Team Baby

Finishing what I started

2012-03-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

My period started yesterday, so here we go. Yesterday was also my first day back at zumba, so I was afraid that maybe I overdid it, but no.

I'm not excited, thanks to the 3 previous cycles and lingering trust issues with this RE. But I'm not negative/fully dreading this. I'm just indifferent. I'm seeing this next cycle as a project. Or something I'm doing while living my life. I've got another month or so back on BCPs. I've decided that I'm taking vacation on the days towards the end of my stim through post embryo transfer (God willing). Things are so nutso at work as they always are; that plus the very real possibility that we'll be acquired around that time just makes for a less than Zen environment. I'm not going to chance anyone messing this up for me. I'm also not telling anyone about it; I'm just going to be out. End of story, aka, none of your business.

I've also decided to ask my RE nurse to re-order all of my meds; I've had a batch of non-injectables in my frig since early January before I knew the surgery was needed. Several are compounded meds, and I just don't want to wonder if they are still good.

Bad Dog (Momma)

2012-03-01T12:09:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I took both of my dogs in for teeth cleanings as suggested when we were in for their checkups. Both are chihuahuas, notorious for problems with their teeth. I expected it to be bad; it was. Neither of them are easy when it comes to brushing their teeth or nail trimming; I can't even get the toothbrush in Bruno's mouth because he has squirmed and gotten away before I can pry his jaws open.

Both of them had to have extractions. Bruno had 2 small ones. Chai had to have 3, and has two more teeth that are cracked almost completely off, and appear to be resorbing and not causing her pain.

The guilt I'm feeling is off the charts. First, I feel like I should have tried harder to get them to let me brush their teeth, or at least signed them up for gentle dental cleanings. I didn't see anything unusual, and they didn't act like they had pain or any problems chewing. Second, we give them raw hides to chew on-they are like pirhanas. I'm certain that's caused them to have so many broken teeth. Again, feeling awful for not being more diligent, or thinking.

If I'm this way with dogs, I'm worried about what I'll be with kids.

WT*?

2012-02-29T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm scratching my head/counting to ten a lot these days.

Just got an email notification from my trusty friend the Insurance Company. Guess what total cost was for the surgery?

Wait for it.......

Drumroll please....

$137,000.

ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

That's not counting MD Fee (4K) or anesthesia fee (3K).

Now, I'm not responsible for this. I have a co-pay to the hospital of about $900, and a co-pay to anesthesia of about $1100. But how could that "cost" amount actually be that much?

On a side note and completely off topic, I've been accepted as a part of a Panel for presentation at an industry event. The other panelists and I don't know each other; we were invited to speak on a similar topic. Here's the long and short of it: the other panelists are driving me crazy.

First meeting: Everyone get their slides to the moderator-ASAP. I actually did my slides while recovering from surgery. Everyone but moderator sends their slides out for review-not sure when we'll be getting hers. I immediately start getting "suggestions" from another panelist, whose reviewed my slides, mainly to start mentioning things from her presentation in mine. I basically say while I see your point, I think we all need to complement the others presentations and can do that once slides are completed. We then schedule a call for two weeks ago-I call in, on hold for 15 minutes; moderator never shows up and starts call-she forgot. Reschedule for today. First, we spend ten minutes talking about travel and hotel reservations-the meeting is in June; honestly, I don't know where I'll be next week. Maybe not fair to immediately be annoyed, I admit. Moderator starts telling me I need to talk about XYZ in my presentation; my response- um, it's on slide 15. In my head, I'm thinking "Did you look? Right there where it says XYZ?" Then asks me if I know anything about XYZ, since I work for a software company. Yes, Ms. Moderator, I've actually done XYZ probably 1000 times while I was working in clinical research the last umpteen years. Then the call dissolves into helping moderator with how she should recruit for a study she's running.

There is a very fine line between defending yourself and, well, being a beotch. Some days I can be nice; today wasn't one of those. I've done my part, and I feel like this bunch constantly loses focus and/or doesn't meet their own responsibilities.

Here's the catchy little tune summing up my feelings about these two items in song-lyrics:

ICLW wrap up

2012-02-24T07:14:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone. I'm getting ready to head home from the bay area business trip that I survived. Travel was harder than I thought, but I got through it. It is gross, I know but my incisions have been entering that scabby/itchy phase, and as always I have pain in the evening from too much sitting. Looking forward to getting home, snuggling with the dogs, and relaxing.

My meeting was a bit tense; I'm taking over an account from a colleague who resigned and work was left in limbo. Combine that with customer unresponsiveness to requests to meet, and I had a lot of anxiety, as the customer had called last friday to complain that I was unresponsive to their needs, despite countless emails and voicemails to the contrary. Walked into the meeting with the idea of de-escalating and getting back on track, which I believe I accomplished. Strangely enough, at the end of the meeting, the client asked about my availability and bandwidth to support them. I was a bit puzzled by the question, but indicated that I would have time in the next 4-6 weeks to address their immediate concerns and get them to steady state. They then say "Well, we heard that you had surgery, and didn't know how much more you'll be out." I was shocked. I told the customer "I'm surprised to hear you bring this up, but I assure you I'm here to support you." The sales rep told them that the reason I was "unresponsive" was because I had been out for the myomectomy. Fact is, I reached out before surgery to schedule a meeting the following week, checked email and voicemail starting the day after surgery (and had received no response to this request until two emails later on the 13th). I told the sales rep that I found it UNBELIEVABLE that she had mentioned this to the client, and I'm debating telling my manager.

Do you do your nails/get your nails done? What's a favorite color polish that you've been rocking lately? I do get my nails done; it's one constant that I can always do to feel prettier when I might be on activity restrictions or haircolor restrictions or anything else we're restricted during IF treatments. I get the shellaq stuff on my hands-great because its not as damaging as acrylics (but still damaging-don't believe it when they say it doesn't thin your nails); I will usually stick with reds or darks (Love Lincoln Park After Dark by OPI) but have decided to do some crazier colors on my toes for a change lately.

How many REs have you been to along your journey? How did you know when it was time to switch? I've had 3. First one in retrospect was awful; couldn't imagine doing IVF with her because she just didn't seem careful or safe, office very disorganized; second, I didn't feel like I had continuity of care and no one seemed to want to do anything different when cycle didn't work. Now on # 3, and have had my issues there already. I think nothing is perfect, and this sub-specialty of medicine isn't under the microscope in terms of compliance, insurance, etc. and that's sometimes reflective of the level of service we receive.

What was the last sporting event you attended? Who was the team? We actually went to the Lakers Game last friday. I had bought tickets for Rob for Valentines day back towards the beginning of the year before I knew I needed surgery, and even though I knew it would tire me out, I went ahead with it. We had dinner at my favorite restaurant, Katsuya, beforehand. I had fun and stayed for the entire game. I was exhausted afterwords, but it was worth it.

What did you do for Valentine's Day? See above. However, on Valentines Day itself, I texted Rob: Pick up a Pizza and a Lava Cake and meet me on the couch. I was asleep by 8:30. How romantic!

Hi ICLW-February Edition

2012-02-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

Hello there. Welcome to Team Baby-where it takes a village to create a baby. The hard way; the very, very, very hard way. I'm Kelly, I'm 43, and I've been doing the infertility treatment dance now for about a year and half, after a year of trying on my own with no success. I've had 4 IUIs, 3 IVFs, a bout of endometritis and a myomectomy along the way. I'm currently sitting on the bench after myomectomy surgery for two months, hoping to stim again in April.

Thanks for stopping by my blog; take a look around and feel free to follow if you like. I always ask questions during ICLW to get to know old friends better and new friends that are first time visitors. I'll answer at the end of ICLW.

Do you do your nails/get your nails done? What's a favorite color polish that you've been rocking lately?

How many REs have you been to along your journey? How did you know when it was time to switch?

What was the last sporting event you attended? Who was the team?

What did you do for Valentine's Day?

Week 3 of the Recovery Show

2012-02-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm still here, hanging out in my velour sweatpants, trying to stay off of the ibuprofen, grossing myself out when I look at my incisions. The last week has been marked by excessive fatigue-I hit a wall around 4-5 pm, and I'm on the couch for the rest of the night. Then I sleep 9 or 10 hours. I go through varying degrees of pain, which really now is discomfort; it seems to be either sore abs, which I correlate with sitting (I can't sit anywhere for too long) or incisional pain, mostly my belly button incision. I have started using a heating pad which actually helps a lot. For the most part I'm not taking any pain meds, although I did take ibuprofen on Saturday after sitting in the car for 3 hours driving home from LA.

One incision on the far left side is as close to perfect as you can get. the one on the right isn't that far behind; I am concerned about a bump underneath it that I'm hoping is just temporary. The one above and to the right of my belly button, well, there is still a wide scab there, and some surgical glue. It was swollen for several days afterwords, and the edges of that incision never looked well approximated to me. But it's actually looking much, much better. Then there's the old umbilicus. Kids, it's nasty. There's scabs, surgical glue which is holding on the scabs, stitches, and a nice, sero-sanguenous fluid. It reminds me of the really bad knee scrape you get as a child that turns all kinds of colors and secretes all kinds of nasty before it heals. The good news is it's mostly inside of my belly button; the bad news is I'm sure there's a big scar coming my way.

My appetite is slowly returning, although breakfast continues to be the most unappealing meal of the day and I would generally prefer to eat nothing. I'm still kind of in an "ewwwww, meat" phase; I did manage to choke down half of a kobe beef burger when Rob and I went to our favorite gastropub in Santa Monica this weekend. I'm actually traveling this week, a short business trip to San Fran, so we'll see how I do with that. I'm going up wednesday afternoon, back on Friday morning, so I hope that this will be easy enough.

Reciprocity

2012-02-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

I've talked about this before, and I'm talking about it again: what our friendships go through during infertility. It really does separate the men from the boys in terms of who supports you through thick and thin. I don't know that you ever get used to the questions, the suggestions, the well-meaning advice. My therapist implores me to not blame people because who really knows what we go through when we do all of the stuff we do to get pregnant. And while I can say I'm past the bridge burning part of completely writing people off, I must admit that dealing with those friends that aren't of the "thick and thin" varietal never gets easy.

When I'm stimming, I tend to be the introvert. Especially after so many failed cycles, I just don't want to get into a discussion about it with nearly anyone outside of my close circle. Because I was doing IUIs monthly, and then IVFs every three months or so, a significant amount of time could go by where I didn't touch base with friends. And I own my responsibility there in terms of friendship and communication and the damage that does. But honestly, how much should you have to communicate with friends for them to remain friends? This factor has changed some of my friendships, not necessarily for the better. Maybe the friendships weren't that strong to begin with, or very superficial. I don't know that infertility treatments are the litmus test for tried and true friends, but it seems to have culled out quite a few in my circle.

Last Thursday night went out with a dear friend of mine who has been subject to this phenomenon. Karen and I worked together at a previous company, where she took me under her wing as a friend; she's eighteen years older than I am, and I appreciated her maturity and knowledge of the workplace and life. We bonded through girl vacations and time spent traveling together for work. I looked up to her, and still do, for her strong relationship with her husband, her commitment to family, and her ability to balance her life between all of the things that can challenge us between work and home and family.

Things haven't been the same with us for a long time. The problems seem to arise from her expecting the same old Kelly: fun-loving, funny, always available and ready to talk about her stuff, and up for a trip or a night out or dinner. I take responsibility in that, as I mentioned previously, I get somewhat private and not available to her while I'm stimming, or dealing with another BFN. There have been several canceled plans, missed phone calls, and conversations about silly things when what I really wanted was a friend to listen. But that isn't Karen. Karen is a friend when life is good, but when the chips are down, she generally (like nearly everyone) doesn't know what to do.

She was in town for work, and agreed to meet me for dinner somewhere between where she was staying for work and where I live. She wanted to tell me that her son and his wife were expecting, which was a somewhat of a surprise, and while I've become so accustomed to people making these announcements, and I feel I'm getting better with the being expected to act like it's great and I'm not going through all of these unnatural and expensive interventions to get pregnant, it still took me aback. I put on a happy face, and allowed myself to be happy for her and her excitement around being a grandmother, which she deserves. But it brought me back to a lingering familiarity around pregnancy announcements; I put a lot of effort into being happy for my friends, and asking questions, and being excited. However, I don't feel like I'm afforded the same courtesy on most of my friends side when dealing with infertility. Clearly it's not the same life event or emotions; it's much easier to be happy, excited, and the like over the news of a pending bundle of joy. But honestly, is it that difficult to listen, ask questions, and be concerned, or at least empathetic? A lot of people just don't ask questions, and when they do, it's almost accusatory: "what's the problem?" "Do they know why?" and the like. Conversely are the stories of people that tried and when they just did X, Y, or Z, success! Or they just avoid the topic completely.

I started to write that this is temporary, and things may go back to normal, but then I realized, they won't. How can you count on a friend that is only concerned about you when she wants to have fun, have someone to go somewhere with, or have you be the cheerleader for her life, when that isn't reciprocated? There is something that has been damaged, and I think it is the belief that friends care for you like you care for them. I don't have the plague-I can't have a baby. And I shouldn't have to hide it or downplay it or defend it to my friends.

Starve an incision, Feed a Fibroid

2012-02-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day back at the Gym. Now, before you become too impressed, I did twenty minutes on the bike, and twenty minutes on the treadmill. It was not pleasant; I say that in the context of it being more unpleasant than the usual unpleasant. I upped the resistance on both to make up for a profound lack of speed. Most notably, I couldn't pace myself above a whopping 3.2 on the treadmill. But I did something physical. It's a start, right? My thought is to just continue doing this for the next week, and then see about getting back into a class. Possibly Zumba, dialed way, WAY back. I don't know how I'll be able to do the twisties of Yoga, or the abs in Pilates, anytime soon. But I'll get there.

I've been struggling with my weight, and my body image for months now. The post op recovery has actually thrown me a new loop: no appetite, and not being able to eat what I consider a full meal. Now, one part of me is literally dropping to my knees in happiness here. However, the truth of the matter is, I need to heal. The problem is, I'm not really eating: I don't really "like" much of anything anymore. The thought of tacos and chips/salsa is literally wretch-inducing. Nothing spicy either. The biggest new aversion is my utter lack of interest in animal products. We usually have grilled tri tip on Thursdays, which we make a nice salad with as well as grilled veggies. I literally cannot imagine eating it again-no appetite for it. Nothing actually red meat related appeals to me in the slightest. I thought today about getting an In-and-Out Burger, but again, no interest due to the red meat/grease combo. Chicken isn't much better-I eat it mostly because I know I need some protein. Milk I find kinda disgusting, not really for cheese or yogurt either. The only thing I can tolerate from the dairy mix is sour cream (why this, I have no idea).

Along with the weird preferences, I just am not that hungry. Maybe it's a function of not being that active, since I'm lounging on the couch when I'm not working. Today Rob made me a protein shake for breakfast with Milk and berries, and he adds a little yogurt to it (this is our usual breakfast). More days than not, today included, I dumped it down the drain. I've gotten some Rice Milk in hope that may be OK to try tomorrow to use when making the shake. About an hour after not drinking my breakfast, I start the "I know I need to eat game" and go looking for something. One morning I made an egg white sandwich (another failed attempt at dairy). Another morning, oatmeal. I've also been dumping the oatmeal-just not appealing. It's gotten to the point now where I'm eating anything I can muster the motivation to eat just so I've eaten something. So this AM's breakfast was chicken (bleh) with grilled veggies, wrapped in a tortilla. I didn't really like it, but ate it anyways. So here we are at 6PM. I didn't eat lunch. Tonight I'm going to try chili, with mostly beans but some turkey burger for taste. I would eat, but again, nothing sounds good.

Again, I should probably be counting my blessings here. It's so freaking strange, but the surgery or the meds or the anesthesia has done something to reboot my appetite and preferences. If I eat too much, I am miserable. And by too much, I mean the amount I'm used to eating. I know I need nutrients to continue healing. I'm considering stopping the ibuprofen altogether, thinking it might be a culprit here. Who knows.

The Seven Dwarves of Post Op

2012-02-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm not histrionic with pain or going from a reclining to standing position, I've entered phase II of the recovery process following myomectomy. This one has a whole slew of other challenges, both major and minor in nature, similar to the Disney characters mentioned above.

Sneezy (or lack thereof): I have to say, my worst fear right now is sneezing. I've been a diligent nose blower since the surgery, as I can't imagine what it would feel like to sneeze. I'm actually surprised at the respiratory effects of intubation and anesthesia, and now understand how junky things can get in the respiratory tract as a function of surgery. My throat really was never sore, but I'm just getting over being hoarse as well.

Sleepy: To say I become lethargic at random times of the day is an understatement. I'm not sleeping all that well at night either. So I take naps around noon (I am working again since I work from home), and usually wrap things up around 4, and then check emails again later. My concentration isn't the greatest either-trying to put together a presentation for a professional meeting, and what usually takes me two days has taken the majority of the week.

Grumpy: I don't have the "spirit" or chutzpah I usually have to stand up for myself or assertively press issues, in both work and home. Rob and I had a disagreement last night over something that had gotten him riled up; I just couldn't play ball and defend myself like I usually do. There's a few fires at work too that I've basically said "You know what? This is out of my power and what's going to happen is going to happen" instead of doggedly persuading and directing a customer towards my preferred outcome. I'm not so much grumpy, or depressed, just disengaged.

Bashful (maybe introspective instead): I don't really care to interact with anyone other than my trusted circle. Rob, my mom and sister, my BFFs. Really that's it. I'm just to myself, and don't really want to explain this over and over to those outside of my immediate support system. My Dad doesn't know, because of many reasons, mainly his inability to keep things confidential within the extended family and his dramatizing of anything medical. That being said, a cousin that I've had a bit of a falling out with a year or so ago sent an email this week saying he was here in San Diego and wanted to get together. I thought about doing it, just to clear the air, but I don't think I can right now. I can tell him I've had surgery, and then wait for the family grapevine to catch fire. I'm going to propose we just get together in a few weeks when I'm in his hometown for work. I fully expect him to take that as a slight, and trigger some behaviors that resulted in the falling out to begin with and hope this doesn't restart the discord again all over. But I'm just not up to some drama laden showdown right now.

Dopey: I'm off the hard stuff; honestly, neither Dilaudid or Vicodin did enough for me to continue taking them and being completely out of it. So for now it is ibuprofen, and honestly, I don't know how much that is doing for me. My pain is mostly related to the incisions now, and when my bladder gets full.

Doc: I've always had this thing where I can't be sick longer than a week. Chickenpox, the flu, whatever; I'm never down and out for longer than seven days, mainly because I start going stir crazy. I know my body needs time; it's telling me that. But the two steps forward, one step back nature of recovery gets to me.

Happy (or at least working on it): I am happy that this is behind me-relief doesn't even begin to describe how glad I am that the worst is over. I'm looking forward to feeling better and not having awful periods. I've started taking my dogs on short walks again. I'm actually going to get my haircut today, and try to get a pedicure this weekend. We have tickets to the Lakers Game and a weekend in LA planned to celebrate Valentine's next weekend. So I'm trying to stay focused on the positives.

Post Op Appointment

2012-02-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

I was holding off on the general debrief of my surgery until I was off the pain medicine, calmed down from the pain debacle, and had my post op appointment. Rob had essentially told me that the surgery was more complicated than they expected so it took longer, that they removed 5 fibroids instead of 2, and that the "big" one was 80 grams.

Well today I saw Dr. B. He first apologized about the pain management and subsequent refill of pain medications after surgery last week. He told me that he knew there had been disconnects between the hospital and his practice, his practice getting my request for pain meds expedited, and then actually filling the prescription once it was written, and assured me that he had spoken to people about the breakdown. Despite being off the charts angry at the time, I decided to let this go. I believe he was in damage control mode and I appreciated him apologizing proactively since I was fully prepared to address my concerns. While I'm not right with what happened, at this point I just want to move on. I can't be pissed at or distrustful of every provider I have. And I need this guy to get me pregnant-not biblically, but scientifically.

So as far as the surgery goes: the surgery took 5.5 hours. He said he was exhausted afterwords (Really? Me too). He indicated that he took the time he did so he didn't have to convert to a traditional laparascopy (and push my next IVF out 6 months) and also so he didn't have to actually incise into the uterine cavity. The "big" fibroid was two hundred and eighty grams-huge (he indicated that it was grapefruit size). It apparently presented the most problem-he said that it took an hour just to get the pieces out (ewwww). He said that he needed to make bigger incisions than he had hoped, and had actually used dissolvable stitches in all of my incisions because of their size, along with the surgical glue. He expects most of my incisions to be healed within 2 months completely; he expects that I'll have a scar with the gnarliest one where the camera was inserted.

The IVF news is that I'm going to be sitting out another month; I won't get started again until April, with egg retrieval in early may. I'm not horrifically bummed about this; I know I'm not 100 percent, and honestly appreciate the time off. I'll go back on birth control pills the next time I start my period. So that's it kids; I'm free of fibroids, and have another month on the bench.

The Infertiles Guide to the Resting/Nesting

2012-02-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

Hi. I'm still sitting around, passing gas (yuck), and discovering that I have a stitch, not surgical glue in my belly button. That being said, I've become an expert at the waiting game after surgery or whatever it is that knocks us on our hormonal arses for a period of time. Here are my recommendations for getting through bed rest, whatever that may be-if you'd like to leave yours I'm happy to add those as well.

Note: editing, as I've noticed that Blogger has not saved half of this post:

1) Build your nest(s). You need to be comfortable while on bed rest. That being said, you will need at least one location in your house where you can rest, possibly without the racket that your house, husband, family, dogs, and neighborhood sounds won't wake you up or bother you. yYour resting place while on bed rest should be comfortable, i.e clean sheets, plenty of pillows, different types of pillows, etc. After my myomectomy, I went straight to the bed in my guest bedroom. In the back corner of the house, it was the most protected from house/dog/neighborhood noise and allowed me to sleep off the not effective narcotics that I was prescribed, and rest quietly if I wanted to. The bed is also easier to get into and out of, and the bathroom is closer than my own bedroom. I made sure the sheets were clean, that I had a light blanket and comforter, and that I had two or 3 bed pillows, a European Sham or Two (that I used to prop myself up with) as well as a few throw pillows to also use for propping. One particularly soft and fluffy one I used to press against my incisions when I got up, or had to cough. If you can move to another location for part of the day with minimal problems or discomfort, set that up the same way too. A little change of scenery can make such a difference. I'm at my alternative location now-the family room couch.

2. Set up your side table thoughtfully. Just as important as your nest, is your side table and what goes on it. Must haves: Medication-all of it, including vitamins. Water. Tissues. I might put some hard candies or cough drops there again (you won't believe how much coughing and hacking I've done after surgery-thanks intubation!). A lamp is great too if you have room for it. However, be careful not to get too cluttered, as this area can soon and easily become so cluttered that every time you reach for something you knock everything over. Your significant other can help you keep this organized, stocked, and clear of clutter. One thing that I eventually did was to get a small round basket and put all of my meds, lip balm, and thermometer in that. You might also want to bring an alarm clock to set to take pain medication-it's kind of awful being woken up by pain, and it's worth waking yourself up to take the pain medication.

3. And your Loo just as thoughtfully. Your loo will also need to be prepared for your rest (or in my case, recovery). If you are recovering from surgery, I suggest getting pads as well as panty liners-trust me, I loathe pads but you will not be able to use tampons afterwards, and the liners will not always do the trick. But do have both. Also, as silly as it sounds, you want to make sure you have plenty of toilet paper. Running out now is not the greatest. Also, plenty of towels, soap, shampoo, also baby wipes-you'll be surprised at where the betadine and stuff went during surgery.

4. A word about wardrobe. Now is the time to be comfortable. Get your clothes and pajamas organized for several days close by where you'll be resting/nesting. I've been in nothing but T-Shirts and sweats for a week. One thing-get some granny panties if you don't have any-you'll need them for pads, and also they work better to adjust the waistband down or up to avoid incisions. I also had a pair of Ugg slippers and flip flops nearby, but honestly didn't wear them; depended more on socks. But keep in mind, especially after surgery, you'll be doing a lot of shuffling, so be careful in your footwear choice.

5. But do clean up. If you aren't on strict bedrest, and have been cleared, do take a shower. Even if you think it will kill you. It made me feel human again and gave me a chance to stand up for a few minutes. The warm water feels great. I've actually been putting deep conditioner on my hair afterwords and putting it up in a bun. Keep some lip balm handy/on your side table too-you'll definitely be needing that. I'm editing this also to watch your laundry-because you will be wearing a lot of the same stuff (see above), depending on your family size, you may need to have laundry done by your significant other, friend helping you out, etc. before you are up to it.

6. Catch up on your reading, watching, and game playing. Now is your chance to indulge in those things you've been putting off-indulging in frivolous TV watching, reading, and games. I have probably played 300 games of scrabble this past week. I've also watched every episode of Downton Abbey (love it) and was thinking about watching the entire Twilight series-again. If you have an iPOD or know someone with one that you can borrow, get it. Use it. Total life-saver between music, video, internet, and games.

7. Think about what you'll be eating.

8. A word on the plumbing: You may notice UTI like symptoms afterwords if you have if you have been lucky enough to also have had a Foley Catheter during surgery. Drink a lot of water, and be prepared to pee a lot, starting probably on day 2 or 3 post op if you've had surgery. You'll get the urge sooner than later, probably because of discomfort your filling bladder places on your uterus. As for number two, don't be surprised if it takes several days to get back into the swing of things-not necessarily normal. I went (or didn't go) for 4 days afterwords. Do take stool softeners, even if you're not going or feel like you have to go. Constipation, or even a hint of it, isn't pleasant ever, but particularly after surgery. While waiting for your intestines to get back to normal, you are likely to have gas discomfort. Walking helps with this as well. I would say avoid laxatives, but use suppositories if you need to.

Reminder

2012-02-03T18:15:00.001-08:00

I want to have a baby. I want to be a mother. Sometimes, when things are hard, or bad, like this week, I forget that. I needed to remember why I'm doing what I'm doing. Sometimes it seems so far away. I hope it's getting closer.

This Morning

2012-02-02T07:05:00.000-08:00

First, thank you everyone for your comments and concern. The last two days have been a bit of a fog. I finally received my prescription, correctly written, so that I could get it filled, correctly, at a pharmacy that actually had this medicine in stock, around 8 last night. I took it immediately, because I've started having gas pains. My pain is definitely still there, but its manageable to a certain extent. I'm walking around when I can. Peeing is still hard.

I have to say this wasn't at all what I expected, or was told to expect. I also have to say that its really, really unsettling to have the pain and discomfort that I did, and not be abe to get a response from my doctor at all (still haven't spoken to him) or a prompt reaction from his office (Rob basically had to demand that they write a prescription for the correct doseage of the pain medication, and then that they help him find a pharmacy that actually carries that medicine in stock, since most pharmacies actually order it). There's a lot more detail to this ridiculousness that I can write later, but I am continuously astonished how people don't verify if a prescription is accurate before they give it to you, care that you'll be able to actually get it filled, or that you are suffering while they put you on hold or forward you to voicemail when you are trying to reach your doctor.

A word to the wise: if you are ever prescribed dilaudid for pain relief, get it filled before you leave the hospital-if they don't have it in stock (likely) your doctor will have to write something else, then and there. Second-if your procedure for which you require pain medicine is more "extensive" than they thought it should be-DEMAND that your pain management plan be revisited. If whatever they are giving you in the hospital is not working, do not leave the hospital until you see or talk to your doctor, regardless of what the staff tells you to get you to go.

That's all I stand to write sitting down for now.

Pain

2012-02-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this to basically keep from going ballistic....I was discharged this am at 10am, which they gave me a dose of dilaudid before hand (IV pain med). I basically struggled with pain all night; I knew when that ext dose was due, or I woke up beforehand in pain, have to wait for the med, then spend 30 minutes unckenching while they kicked in.

My Dr was supposed to see me at 5:30am...had a surgery.ok, I understand. Then 830, but had to go into another surgery. Grrrrr. I told the hospital nurse that I wanted to speak to my doctor. She said he was in surgery and would be unable to talk until after 4, and she left a message at his office for someone to call me.

Between the hospital and home, I started having a lot of pain, the kind where I was hyperventilating and teeth chattering. Drs office called, I think it was a tech, but I told her that's was in a lot of pain,that's didn't feel like it was in control... She. Says she'll have head nurse or dr. Call me. Thatwas3 hours ago. Just called them again, put on hold 10 minutes, was told she was with a patient and would call me back. I amtaking Vicodin every 2 hours...and it's still not in control. At this rate I'll be out of drugs by eleven o'clock tonight. Never Mind that I can't get ahold of my doctor. I honestly cannot believe this.

Editing update: well, the office just called. They want to call me in dilaudid to my pharmacy. Fine. Give them the number. They call me back... The pharmacy requires a written Rx. To fill it. They don't accept a phone in because of the class of medication. Long story short, rob is now driving 60 miles in rush hour traffic to get the written Rx. I asked if they could please change it to something else....answer no.

Another edit: called my pharmacy to make sure that they had dilaudid. Not only do they not have it, but they can't get it until Friday. They recommend another pharmacy. Other pharmacy has it, but tells me there is no such thing as 1 mg of dilaudid, so the Rx has to read 2mg break in half. Hospital pharmacy where I was does not have it in stock. This my friends is state of healthcare.

Ps-my teeth are chattering still from pain all the way through this.

Greetings from post op

2012-02-01T02:34:00.000-08:00

Hi.I survived! I'm so relieved to be on the other side of this.

Apparently they removed 5 fibroids. Big one was bigger than expected. I havent talked to my doc yet. Pain is worse than I expected...haven't reAlly been that comfortable. Ive eeen up and walking, which does seem to help. hope tomorrow (today) is better.

Sigh

2012-01-30T07:49:00.000-08:00

I've started several unfinished posts about it this weekend, all of which seemed ridiculous, overly dramatic, and panicky.

So I'll just say it: I'm scared about my surgery.

One more delay, one more unpleasant, invasive procedure, one more insurance hassle. I guess I'm also pissed off that I have to go through yet another challenge on my way to having a baby.

On the other hand, and possibly completely independent of infertility, I'm glad to hopefully be done with the hassle of fibroids.

But it's worth it, right? I'll get through this. But sometimes this stuff isn't easy. And the more I do, the harder it gets sometimes, do you know what I mean?

TGIF

2012-01-27T09:57:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, another ICLW down. Thanks to everyone who stopped by. I enjoyed taking a look at your blogs and the comments! As promised, here are the answers to my questions:

1) Do you have an iPad/Tablet? If so, can you recommend a case/cover? How about apps that are your favorite? I just got an iPad with Airline points. Much like the phone, it definitely needs a cover. I've been through the gamut of options this week; thought I would get something girly like Kate Spade or Tory Burch or Juicy...but then thought they might not be the most professional options, so I just opted for an inCase of the Apple Store. As far as apps go, all I've gotten so far is Monopoly and Scrabble. No favorites yet.
2) Looking for some feedback on Lupron and/or Viagra suppositories used in your IVF cycle. I have a new doc, thus a new protocol, so any feedback or experience you have there is much appreciated. It's my first go round with Lupron, as well as the Viagra suppositories. I guess we'll see how this goes. At some point later this spring.
3) Pets-how many do you have, and do they ever sleep in the bed with you? How does your significant other feel about that, if yes? My two dogs sleep with us (me). They curl up next to me, and I realize that I've created monsters. Talk about hogging the bed! Rob is not exactly jazzed about it, and I'm actually starting to feel like I need to slowly get them back in their own beds. I say this, but it will never happen.
4) What song do you find you can't get out of your head lately? For me I have several... it's that Selena Gomez song "I love you like a love song"...I've also been getting into K-Pop as these are some songs played during Zumba. Here's my favorite, from 2NE1:

Last Girl Standing

2012-01-26T18:24:00.000-08:00

For some reason I found myself over at the Stirrup Queens, at the page notifying readers of new infertility blogs. Of the eight new "infertility" blogs in December 2010, guess how many isn't pregnant/has a baby?

Yep. 1.

I'm going to have a glass of wine.

Hi ICLW

2012-01-22T09:51:00.000-08:00

Hi there ICLWers, and Happy 2012. This is my blog, Team Baby, where it takes a village to make a baby. The hard way; the very, very hard way.

I'm Kelly, I've been at this game since September 2010. I've gone through 4 IVFs, 3 REs, Two Insurance Companies, and one bout of endometritis along the way. I'm 43, so obviously time is of the essence, which is frustrating, because I'm back on the sidelines again when my new RE discovered that my fibroids have to be removed. So February1, I'll be adding Myomectomy to my war stories of infertility.

I'm afraid I have nothing going on infertility wise now, except taking birth control pills. I will be starting my 4th and final stim for egg retrieval most likely in March. Until that time, I try to entertain my readers with stories of what I'm doing passing the time. I wish I could tell you that it's all butterflies and rainbows; unfortunately, this has been a long road, and I prefer to "keep it real", so you may see my fears, anxieties, and frustrations on this blog from time to time, although I do try to stay positive. But honestly, it can be a struggle.

I haven't done ICLW in a while, but I always try to ask some questions that my visitors can answer so that I can get to know you better. I post mine at the end of the week. Feel free to peruse my blog; and join if you like. Here are January questions:

1) Do you have an iPad/Tablet? If so, can you recommend a case/cover? How about apps that are your favorite?
2) Looking for some feedback on Lupron and/or Viagra suppositories used in your IVF cycle. I have a new doc, thus a new protocol, so any feedback or experience you have there is much appreciated.
3) Pets-how many do you have, and do they ever sleep in the bed with you? How does your significant other feel about that, if yes?
4) What song do you find you can't get out of your head lately?

Thanks for stopping by-posting a pic of my dog Bruno in the meantime-he is so mischevious-I think this captured him perfectly.

Best Shoes Ever

2012-01-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

I just did something super hard-I threw out my favorite pair of shoes. While we were in Hawaii, I was walking to dinner and the strap on one of them just snapped. I quickly tied the strap to one of the other ones, hoping that I could salvage them, at least for the night. It really didn't work, since the strap was the one that actually looped around the heel to hold the sandal on my foot.

I have had these shoes since 2007. They were my go-to favorites for the summer, which is nine months of the year here in San Diego. I bought them on an amazing trip to Florence where I literally stopped in my tracks when I saw them in the window. I can't/don't wear super high heels-they kill my feet, I can't really walk in them, and at 5'8 they can make me taller than I want to be, and definitely taller than Rob. So I'm constantly on the look out for shoes that feign the look of high, but honestly aren't more than 3.5 inches. Hence, the best shoes ever.

I've been to so many places with them and had so much fun in them-Vegas, Chicago Cubs Games, Hollywood Bowl Concerts. They obviously were becoming worn, but I continued to wear them because they were comfortable, they were this great gold color that wasn't overpowering, and they met my heel not too high strategy. Today I was unpacking from Hawaii (yes, I can sometimes take forever to fully unpack-awful, I know) and I saw them. I thought about how I could possibly repair them but decided that they had served their purpose, and it was probably time to say "so long". The heels are worn. I think there are actually imprints of my feet in them (eww).

I'd save them, but that kind of sounds like an episode of Hoarders. Goodbye old friends. And if anyone knows of another similar pair, please post a link!

Patience

2012-01-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. I woke up this morning and the first thing that popped into my mind was "my blog has got to be getting either a) boring or b) depressing." Or C, both. I've been blogging since I was doing IUIs with RE #1. One acupuncture clinic, two REs, Three IVFs, and a year plus later, I feel like those scuba divers in that movie where they come up for air and their dive boat is nowhere to be found. Who would have thought I'd still be floating here, waiting for the pregnancy shark to come and bite me?

I can only speak for myself, but I never thought it would take this long to get pregnant. I've watched many of you other readers and bloggers get pregnant, and have your babies. Yes, I've been a little jealous, but also happy for everyone; it's good to know that getting pregnant and having a baby isn't impossible, particularly when you are stuck in this endless maze of doctors appointments, drugs, and medical procedures. That being said, it's hard to come up with blog topics when most of your infertility related stuff is just, well, waiting.

Waiting isn't easy; I'm impatient by nature. I'm sure that's just the control freak in me. At this point, I kind of feel like I'm racing against time, where waiting isn't so much a nuisance, but time that may be my last opportunity going by. Tick, tock. I'm 43. As such, when I had a setback with endometritis this past summer, I felt like the month I had to sit out to take the antibiotics was just punishing. Now, here I am again, sitting on the bench. I don't know that I'd say that I'm used to the waiting, or OK with it; I'd say I'm more numb to it now.

In all actuality, February 1, the surgery, will be here before you know it. I'm sure once I reach that milestone, I'll be in a race to recover, just because that's how I'm wired. But these things we face with infertility, seriously, how can you expedite any of it? Getting into see you Doctor. Your Period (that never shows up when you want it to when you're dealing with this stuff, ironically). Med Delivery. There's a lot of hard lessons along this path, i.e. you can't rush Physiology. Or HealthCare. Or Freedom Pharmacy.

On that note, I'm off to Yoga. Don't stop reading me! I swear I'll post interesting and happy stuff soon!

Do one thing a day that scares you

2012-01-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

I've said it before, I'll say it again: I love Lululemon bags, solely for their manifestos. I've had my share of scares, real or perceived. But some are just not what you think they are. My last session with my therapist put me a back on a better path-another thing we discussed was how I could feel myself going into a depression after news that I'd need a myomectomy, and all I wanted to do was to crawl on my couch with my blanket and my dogs, sleep, and watch the Real Housewives. Didn't want to work. Didn't want to go anywhere. Didn't want to cook. Didn't want to take a shower (Yuck). I told her I was trying to pull myself out of it, but it could be a struggle. Her advice: go through the motions. At some point, your mind will catch up with your actions.

When I'm my version of me, and not dealing with this infertility stuff, I don't do anything half-way. But one of the lessons I've learned on this path is that sometimes you can't be one hundred percent, at least not on everything. Sometimes, on nothing. So why beat yourself up over it? Part of this journey may be learning to not be perfect, to accept limitations, and do what makes sense.

On the flip side of that approach are ruts (definition: A fixed, boring routine). One of the things that has been the most difficult to cope with, other than of course not getting pregnant, has been body image. On multiple levels, I've just been beating up myself for my body not being or doing what I want it to. This weekend I went along for our usual beach run; the last time I went I just walked it because I was so sore from a Zumba/Pilates/Sculpt class that left me walking like Frankenstein. I knew it was going to be slow going. I did my C25K plan for whatever day I last ran. Rob quickly got to a point where he was so far ahead of me I couldn't see him; he passed me on the way back from our turnaround point. I kept going, slowly, and finished it. I was probably "running" a 12 or more minute mile. Because it's almost 4 miles, I actually ended up running the plan twice since I took so long-but I did it.

I don't feel like anyone should be draping a gold medal around my neck, but I did feel content.

This phobia I have about gaining weight that I won't lose, or being heavier, or not fitting into my clothes...it's just old. It's exhausting. I am in this situation, this body state temporarily, but right now, I'm in it: taking the birth control pills, having to have surgery in two weeks, then starting a cycle shortly after that. All I can do is my best. I'm not worrying about this sh*t anymore. At least not right now when really, what can I do? Lose 35 lbs before February 1?

I've been in this reactionary mode towards weight and fitness for a while now, and I've just decided to lay down that anxiety. Don't I have enough to worry about? That doesn't mean stopping, it means doing what makes sense, not tripping about it constantly, and definitely not beating myself up over something I can't change overnight. What this means for me is eating smartly, not depriving myself but not overdoing it on bad stuff. It means working out, but not skipping 3 days of workouts, then doing 3 classes that render me nearly immobile for the following 3 days. It also means doing what is right for me, not for what the Internet and magazines and books and the like tell me I should or shouldn't do related to infertility.

When I started going to acupuncture, the acupuncturist told me to stop going to Hot Yoga, because of something related to my water/fire/damp (honestly, I don't even remember precisely what it was now). Bikram Yoga was something I loved to do, but I stopped. He also told me to stop doing any exercise that made my heart rate go over 140. So there went running on a routine basis. That was more than a year ago. I'm done with that. Not doing Hot Yoga hasn't helped me get pregnant (yes, I know that's a double negative), but I understand that extremes aren't exactly beneficial either. Today I went to a "Warm" Yoga sculpt class. There are a lot of beginners in the classes right now because of the new year and resolutions and what not, so I didn't feel completely out of place at a new studio. I left my body issues outside, and just did the workout. The instructor was great and offered many modifications, which kept me engaged and helped me feel motivated, rather than defeated by poses that I couldn't do. Even though it was "warm"-honestly, when I first went in I thought "I'm not going to sweat at all because it's barely warm in here"-I ended up drenched, which I loved. So there.

Yes, I'm going through the motions, but they are my motions, and I'm not going to let my weight or fitness level stop me or drive me anymore. I'm taking back some control here, at least for the two weeks that I have it until I'm sidelined again. Does that scare me? Of course. It's kind of freaky to say "I'm not going to worry about my weight" when as a woman, so much pressure is put on us in that circumstance (especially here in Southern California).

But it also empowers me-and I need some of that for a change.

Better

2012-01-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think you just need someone to listen, have a good cry, and get back in the game.

I had a therapist appointment today, and spent a lot of time articulating my rage at the health care profession, and myself for not doing more about my fibroid earlier on. After getting it all out of my system, at some point the retrospect of it all just seemed like wasted energy. My therapist also asked me about fears I had about my upcoming surgery. To my own surprise, I had quite a few: anesthesia, intubation, starting off as a lap and needing to convert to traditional incision (thus longer recovery), pain, gaining more weight because I won't be able work out, adhesions. Talking through it made nearly all of them seem, well, more realistic and less overwhelming.

My only remaining concern was mainly about the possibility of them starting the surgery as a lap and not being able to do what they need to do to remove the fibroid, and needing to go to a full incision, which would obviously require a longer recovery time, and possibly delaying the egg retrieval. This is something I need to talk to Dr. B about prior to the surgery, and I think just knowing what the plan would be in that case would really allieviate my concerns about this one as well. So my pre-op is on the 23rd, and my surgery is the 1st of February.

And it's strange, maybe not, but I'm actually OK with the surgery, as in "let's do this." I'm so sick of having heavy periods and cramps, and so sick of wondering "what if" with these fibroids. One more potential issue eliminated.

Trust

2012-01-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

I am not well versed in the art of letting go, of delegating, of allowing people do what they have been assigned, charged, or hired to do. Don't ask me why-is it because I'm a Virgo, because I'm a perfectionist, or my expectations don't always meld with those of others? Yes. This is not a very calm way to go through life, so part of maturing for me-as a person, a professional, a partner, and a patient has been to stop myself, and mindfully operate from the position of giving people the benefit of the doubt as a starting point, and trusting that they will live up to expectations, and then let their actions serve as a guide to my level of involvement. That has been many years of struggle not to second guess, follow-up, check and re-check, and usually just take over myself at the first sign that the standards I've set in my mind are not being achieved. I'm certainly not a master of this life skill yet by any means, but I'm getting better (or so I thought).

Sometimes my doubt and need for control has been an asset-it's gotten me far in my career, it's helped in everything from buying a house or a car to dating to my career and every aspect small and large in between. But sometimes it's not following my instincts and over-compensating for what is un-natural for me-Trusting-that can backfire, and send me into a tailspin of doubt-not only in others, but in myself to make the right call.

I just got off of a client call, where I was supposed to review some changes to a feature of our software that had been requested. It wasn't any big effort, just a simple change; I say that because I didn't check it beforehand. Why, you ask (and I'm also asking myself this)? Because I trusted what my colleagues in product told me had been completed to be accurate. Mistake. When I went into the software with the client, it's nowhere to be found. The change, or any results of the change are nowhere to be found, anywhere. I apologized and assured the client that I would quickly get back to them upon speaking with our Product team and getting this resolved. I contacted the product point of contact, and they are looking into this. So now begins the dance in my mind where I have internal conversations about how I should have checked this beforehand versus how I need to be able to depend on my colleagues to do their job, and shouldn't have to do QA work as well.

This theme is a well-beaten "path" in my mind (my therapists words), or thought patterns that I get into that can be a slippery slope of negatives that we are accustomed to reviewing; these serve no purpose other than to get us into a negative place by revisiting dysfunctional yet comforting approaches to dealing with the challenges that present themselves in life.

By default, I will mentally kick myself over or over for trusting when my natural inclination is not to do so. I was walking that path last night, really ratcheting up how I went from being diagnosed with fibroids in 2005 to where I am now, facing a myomectomy after three failed IVFs. The original diagnosis was just "watchful waiting"-yes, you have them, no we aren't going to do anything at this point. From there, whenever I had a pap smear or pelvic exam, my Nurse Practitioner would always remark about how she could feel the fibroid, but that was it. Should I have questioned her then about it? When I went to RE #1, she also noticed it, but didn't order an ultrasound to assess the fibroid, only an ultrasound to confirm that the fibroid wasn't growing inside my uterus (it wasn't). Should I have been more proactive with her? Especially when IUI # 1,2,3,or 4 didn't work? Then onto RE #2, same situation. She saw them, did an ultrasound, to assess size and also to ensure that it wasn't inside my uterus; the results then were that the large one was borderline-should I have insisted that it be removed before any IVFs?

The thing about lack of trust is that there is always a part that involves you, as well as the other person or entity involved. The issue with facing this myomectomy involves fear, but also guilt and anger for not forcing this issue more proactively in terms of doing something about it over the last six years before getting to this point. I can't go back, only forward. But I'm experiencing quite a bit of guilt today over the embryos I did transfer, and what I could have possibly done to have at least improved the chances for them to implant.

I'm also wrestling with just health care providers in general; the last time I had a fluid ultrasound to check my internal uterine cavity was August. Yes I have had crazy hormones going through IVFs, but fibroids do not grow THAT fast. I just feel let down by my health care providers up until now, and feel that I've let myself down by not questioning them more. But should I have to be obsessive and challenge them on each and every decision along the way? At some point you have to trust people, but I'm really struggling with that, particularly after failed IUIs, failed IVFs, the Endometritis, and now this. And I find myself pulling and pulling myself off that mind "path" today, because I have to find a balance here. I just don't know what that is, or how easy that will be.

Myomectomy, Here I come

2012-01-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

Well, had my calendar review and fluid sonogram today at the new RE, Dr. B. Private practice, so it was a very slooooooowwwww process (2 hours plus) but worth it.

I didn't even get to med review because of my ultrasound to check out the uterine cavity, since I have fibroids. I have a 2 known fibroids-one was not worth worrying about that is not very big, and another one that is larger and was on the borderline of needing removal the last time it was checked. He immediately located the smaller one, still no big deal; but then he saw the other one, which is now definitely larger than the last time it was measured (Feb 2011). Something with the small one, in combo with the large one, is now impeding most of the right side of my uterus, and the bigger one is now in the cavity, which is also different than the last time that was checked (August 2011).

So I'm going to have these things removed end of this month. Actually, I'll be happy to get them out regardless of the infertility stuff because I'm sick of having heavy periods. I don't have a date for surgery yet. My work load unfortunately is heavy right now, but that's just going to have to wait too. This is going to be laproscopic, and Dr. B is telling me that it should take 2 weeks max off work, and should be able to cycle in March. I have to say that I have a raised eyebrow about that. I hope he's right.

I think the way that this will (or should) work out is that I'm grateful that there is a possible known reason why my embryos didn't implant. Right now, in the moment, I'm scared about about surgery, I'm really really angry that none of this was seen by my other RE (and that I actually went through ETs with this thing in there, clearly making things non-conducive to implant), exhausted that this is getting pushed back again, and really really defeated in general. I know that's not the right attitude to have, but that's the immediate emotions. I'm also feeling guilty that I didn't make my last RE keep a closer eye on this, or even challenge them on if this was why my embryo didn't implant.

The good news is that I have 10 antral follicles on the right and 3 on the left, definitely more than a geriatric should have.

In ironies of ironies, I get a call from Tressient today; Blue Cross Blue Shield is requiring a pre-authorization of Gonal F because they prefer follistim. United required Gonal-F. I cannot believe this. And I have to call XYZ Pharmacy again to ask them to reverse charges so that my cetoride and something else can be filled, since apparently cancelling them isn't enough.

The thing about infertility is it's the little pieces alone that hurt-the BFNs, the insurance, the meds; it's the collective effects that can just be overwhelming.

Reminding myself of a great quote on a Lululemon Bag:

" Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks."

Specialty Pharmacy Groundhog Day

2012-01-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

From the "need to laugh to keep from crying" files....

Friday, 4:50PM: Phone rings. It's XYZ Pharmacy, the pharmacy in my old REs office building. "Hi, we are just calling to get your new insurance info for your meds to be filled." Me, perplexed. Why are they calling? Apparently new RE has called in my cycle meds. I give them the info, and tell them that I probably have to use a specialty med pharmacy for injectables. They still say "Oh, we'll try to fill it and see what happens". Um, I know what happens-Team Baby CEO gets hit with a $2K Bill due to retail mark-up when she could have used the specialty pharmacy and saved a lot of $.

Friday, 4:55PM: I debate whether or not to call Insurance and get pulled in to the inevitable "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" of trying to figure out which specialty pharmacy to use with this new RE, and new Insurance.

Friday, 4:57PM: Decide instead to go to Zumba. This mess will be here on Monday AM to sort out-why miss a workout over it?

Friday, 5:45PM: Fret about med coverage all through the meringue.

Friday, 7:00PM: review faxed med sheet that RE nurse had sent in an email at 6PM letting me know that she had sent med order to XYZ Pharmacy. Notice that Progesterone in Oil is listed as one of my meds. Seriously? Send her an email reply letting her know that 1) I'm not doing PIO-no way, shape, or form, and 2) that I need to check with my Insurance (since she can't) to see if I need to use a Specialty Pharmacy.

***side note: Please tell me why MD offices don't even bother to check and see if you need to use a Specialty Pharmacy? This isn't necessarily apparent to a newbie (not that I'm a newbie, but I made this $3K mistake during my first cycle) that you can even go through a Specialty Pharmacy to get the meds; it's very easy to just assume that the MD office knows what they are doing and since they called it into the Pharmacy, and the drugs are $$$, I may not have coverage. Back to rant-

Sunday, 3:30AM: Wake up in the middle of the night, dreading calling Insurance Company in AM.

Monday, 7AM: Call Blue Cross Blue Shield. Tell the rep I need to understand if I must use a Specialty Pharmacy for IVF meds. Transferred to Pharmacy division, who transfers me to Women's Infertility Network. Speak to a rep who tells me my Dr. isn't in network. When I tell him that I've already verified Dr. coverage and I just want to see if I need to use a specialty pharmacy, I'm transferred again. Next rep tells me this is for the BCBS HMO, not PPO. He doesn't know who I need to call to find out information. Back to square one. Get exceptionally angry during Women's Infertility Network Call. IM BFF, using word "Bull$h*t" frequently to describe experience.

Monday 7:45AM: Call BCBS main # again. Again tell them the deal. Finally get through to knowledgeable rep who informs me I need to use Triessent for specialty meds. Transferred to Triessent. Confirm all injectables are covered (YAY, including Lupron). They will call my MD office to get order faxed.

Monday 8:00AM: Email RE Nurse and let her know that I do need to use Specialty Pharmacy for injectables and ask her to please cancel injectables ordered at XYZ Pharmacy on Friday.

Monday 8:15AM: RE Nurse emails me and says No Problem, but I'll (me) needs to cancel injectables at XYZ Pharmacy. Seriously?

Monday 8:30AM: Unleash another IM rant on BFF, questioning functionality of Health care System, morals of Insurance Companies.

Monday, 9:02AM: Dread calling XYZ pharmacy, for no other reason than I'm already sick of this game.

Monday 9:08AM: Begin blogging to avoid calling XYZ Pharmacy.

Monday, 9:20AM: Become angry all over again while blogging. Typing with such fervor that I knock full cup of coffee off my desk and onto off white carpet.

Monday, 9:27AM: Feel sorry for myself while cleaning up coffee.

Monday, 9:33 AM: Tear house apart looking for stress relief known as chocolate. Find at least year old bag of chocolate chips. Eat 4.

Monday, 9:35AM: Spell check and hit "Post".

This is It

2012-01-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I received my new schedule on Friday, at around 5PM. I got a call from the pharmacy in La Jolla that I used with my last RE, saying that I had meds called in-at first I thought it was a mistake, but then they said it was from Dr. B's. Then I got the email from the office with my schedule.

Tomorrow I have to begin the fun of sorting out whether I can use this pharmacy rather than a specialty Pharmacy like the last insurance, but on to my schedule...

First let me say that I don't know how or why women are expected to get through interpreting med schedules, dosing, mixing, and medication for IVF-it is complicated stuff that doesn't get any easier. I am a Registered Nurse who worked in Labor and Delivery for 6 years, and Oncology for 4 years, and now work in clinical research servicing the pharmaceutical industry with developing drug studies. That doesn't mean Bunk when it comes to this stuff; with all of that education, training, and experience with medication, I just have to once again say that this is complicated sh*t.

Looks like I'm doing Lupron and Dexamethasone from Jan 14th-22nd. I've never had a protocol with Lupron. Would love to hear from those of you that have experience with this. I'm aware of it for use in Gynecology, but for IVF it's new. I hope to God it's not IM.

Then I start Cetrotide. Looks like that goes through the remainder of stims. Another new one that I have no experience with. I of course will read up on these but would love to know if any of you have experience with these.

At some point, I start taking Viagra as well.. Lord. Ham. Mercy.

Then I start with the Gonal F in the mix, as well as Menopur.

My retrieval will be between February 11 and 13th.

This new schedule scares me, but I'm not going to fixate, as I have an appointment on Tuesday AM for yet another hysto-sonogram and pre-stim bloodwork and will sort all of this out. I'm trying not to be a pain in the arse patient from the get go but I am going to have the courage to make them explain all of this to me, and help me get this right. I notice that the meds faxed in have Progesterone in Oil listed. Seriously? I know I mentioned this during my consult, as I will tell anyone that will listen about my experiences there (and still have the scars on my arse to prove it).

It was nice having a vacation from all of this for a while. I'm just trying to stay positive and focused because this is the last shot at retrieval that insurance will pay for, and/or that I have in me physically and emotionally.

Please let this work.

Let the Pictures do the Talking

2012-01-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

Hi. Another "long time, no blog" post. I don't have anything on the infertility front. I'm still taking the pills. Still need to schedule that pre-cycle mammogram. Still need to tackle the insurance verification with my new carrier. Next appointment with new Doc, Jan 10. Until then, pretty boring on the infertility front.

Infertility seems so far away. So far away, that the thought of jumping back into a cycle still seems daunting.

We had a great time in Maui. I thought I'd just post some pics for you to enjoy.

Ho Hum

2011-12-29T08:20:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays everyone. Mine has been a bit boring really, and I've been a reluctant participant. I was sick with the inevitable cold after arriving home from the final leg of my marathon travel session (surprise, knew this was coming). Forced myself to put up the Tree on Xmas eve (I did after all spring for a fake one, so felt compelled to pull it out of the box) that was decorated very, well, average. Rob stepped on two strings of lights in the process of checking them, rendering them useless. Oh well.

I've been off, not really sure what to do with myself. Spend my days taking ridiculously long periods of time to do the most mundane things like, gather up dry cleaning and take in, go to drugstore in search of shoe polish, or sort clothes for donation (which while sorted, still hasn't actually been donated). I've found myself doing a lot of shopping, which is mainly impulse, but with the sales, boredom, and overall feeling of being "left behind" as an infertile that lives in family suburbia, it's kinda hard to resist.

Trying to get straight with my new RE practice has been a bit annoying. Getting a BCP prescription required 2 phone calls and 3 emails. Why? For some reason my new insurance isn't verifiable yet, or at least when they tried they couldn't get it to verify. I haven't even called them back about this, because I really am not in the frame of mind to go toe to toe with yet another insurance company. I can't say that I'm excited for the next cycle. In fact, right now, I'm kind of indifferent or even not looking forward to it, to more disappointment, totally the wrong mindset.

After my last BFN, I decided EFF it, and cashed in my hotel and air miles for a vacation. We are going to Hawaii tomorrow. I really didn't give Rob an opportunity to vote me down because I just need a break. From everything-work, infertility, stimming, my family, my weight/body image issues. I'm hoping to recharge while there and either get the courage and focus to proceed in a positive manner, or the courage to pull the plug on all of this baby-making stuff.

So happy new years in advance to all of you dear friends. And Aloha in advance 2011-you really sucked.

The Elevator Speech to the Unicorn

2011-12-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

I have different versions of how and what I tell related to my own personal brand of hell related to Infertility. There's the quick and dirty version-"we're doing IVF. The last cycle didn't work." There's the mind your own business version-"No updates. Still trying." There's the friend version, with estrogen updates, follicle measurements, day 3 and 5 reports, etc. that stick to progress in an objective way. It's almost like the elevator speech that you're supposed to be able to rattle off when the opportunity presents itself when the CEO of the company you're dying to work for steps into the lift with you that sticks to the facts, direct and to the point. Only it's supposed to be about job interviews, not your inability to have a baby.

And then there's the truth. How often do you tell that one? The full Monty one, with the medication reactions, the frustrations, the mourning of your body's ability to do what you always thought it could, your emotions, your credit card, your relationship. I don't like living that one, let along telling it. I tell it basically to my therapist, and of course, Rob lives it right along side of me, maybe in a worse position because he can only watch and be there for support, possibly more helpless in all of this than I am.

I told my story the other day to a complete stranger, who has been through this stuff and come out on the other side; someone I work with that I was orienting during training last week. We were at dinner and her experience with IVF came up-of course, hers has a much better outcome, with an adoption, a surrogate delivery, AND her own natural conception after failed IVFs. All three in the course of 3 years. We'll call her the unicorn, because who knew she existed, one of us that goes through this and then gets what she's looking for in every possible way. Only leprechauns and the Lock Ness Monster are more rare. I've never talked face to face with someone that's been through this nightmare. And I made the most of my opportunity.

I don't know why I told her, but I did. She kind of encouraged me to think about surrogacy, which I don't think is an option, but who the hell knows-I never thought doing IVF #4 was an option. When I tell this stuff to another person that's been through this, I kind of feel like I'm talking about someone else, telling a really sad story about a girl that wanted a baby and it just didn't happen, no matter how hard she tried, or how much she worked to ensure her life was in order before bringing a baby into chaos and instability. Sometimes I forget that it is me.

I haven't asked lately, why me, because it is me, and I just need to suck it up and deal. Crying and lamenting doesn't do one iota of good with infertility.

Home Sweet Home

2011-12-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

I'm home, thank goodness. A week away for work, even for a weekend visit home, is too long!

I'm off for the rest of the year, hope to blog and catch up on yours over the next few days. I'm starting with my new practice as it's CD 5. I'm supposed to go on BCPs today. I have to get another hysto-sonogram and Rob has to do a fragmentation test next month (they are also recommending he go on male pre-natals (from coast science-anyone used these?). I also want to get a mammogram (as I haven't had one in a year) before starting this again.

It is difficult getting used to a new practice. And trusting new providers.

Meanwhile, I'm glad to be home, and off of work. I haven't put up an Xmas tree yet (AWFUL) and just got my Xmas cards out-and of course, I'm getting cards from people that I forgot to send to, because it's difficult to remember everyone's address when you are doing them on a plane.

Going to where I'm from

2011-12-19T13:18:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. I'm still on my whirlwind travel run, today being the final day before I fly home. I haven't written in a while, haven't read others blogs in a while. Will try to catch up over the next few days, but I wanted to start writing and might do a few multiple shorter posts than a big big one.

I went home over the weekend. I didn't really want to, but had not been in about 2 years. All of this is going to sound bizarre, I have a strange relationship with my family that can't be summarized in a single post; and quite frankly, reliving how it came to this can get me all melancholy and I probably need to stay positive. It's very interesting how family dynamics really don't change, they probably become more pronounced. Rob has told me that my role in my family is Black Sheep/Voice of Reason. As such, applying the rational to the chaos has led to me being not the favorite, not in on the co-dependencies and secrets and other stuff that exists between the 3 of them. I don't ignore stuff; I confront it. This is how I live my life, and have since literally I was about 6 or 7. So while it's "right" for me, it makes for a difficult path being a member of my family.

My mother seems to have chosen some very different ways to handle some of her problems, both in her relationship with my father as well as her health, than I would prefer her to. But I try not to interfere; and she puts up a lot of fronts to prevent that from me, or anyone. Not in us noticing it; but in us saying something to her about it. With her health, it's a bad combination of obesity/diabetes/immobility that makes me very scared for her. In all seriousness, I worry about her losing her legs from diabetes. Seriously. That is not something that has to happen. But it very well could.

I try not to criticize or judge my sister too much, because she is a sweet person. I worry about her because she somehow gets stuck in the middle of my parents problems and I think it impacts her and her ability to have self confidence and live her own life. She wants the approval of both of my parents, collectively and individually, and isn't comfortable so much with boundaries and challenging them. I worry a lot about them clinging to her, because kids seemed to have been the buffer that actually kept my parents married.

I don't know where to begin with my Dad, so I think I'll just say it. My Dad has a girlfriend, that he's had for about 10 years. Yes, my parents are still married. While he hasn't told my Mom, I can't say that she doesn't know. Without going into a lot of messy details, the girlfriend works with my sister-only my sister didn't know that this woman is "dating" my father. What really bothers me here is that even when I fly 4,000 miles home to see my family, my father cannot stay home for an afternoon-always has somewhere to go, something to do. I'm sure he's over there. It's all just so weird.

One more thing about the home trip that really, really upset me. Do you remember a movie called "My best friend's wedding"? Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz were in it. The general premise was if you don't get married by age X you would marry your best guy friend. Well, like Julia, I said if I'm not married by age 35, I might consider marrying one of my best friends from high school. Of course, he didn't know this. And before I could actually do anything about that, he got married. Anyhow, I ran into the friend while I was out to lunch with my sister. Somehow along the line, and I knew this, he had a serious health issue as a result of an auto-immune disorder. Actually had to have a kidney transplant. Last time we talked, he was doing well. I probably whined about him and his wife having a baby about a year ago on my blog (How can Tom with his kidney transplant have a baby and not me?). He can barely walk. He's lost probably 50 lbs. And he may have had a stroke, as his speech seems affected. I literally almost started crying when I saw him. Just startling.

I have to say home isn't really home anymore. My home is where Rob is, where my beach is, where the dogs are. I love my family and miss my friends, but visits are hard. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I stayed where I was from; would I have had children early on, would I be happy? But even with the unknowns, and the infertility struggles, I'm glad I am where I am now.

Decisions

2011-12-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

Hi there, friends. Long time, no talk to. I'm very behind in my reading and posting. I have nothing new to report to you on the fertility or lack thereof front. I still need to request records from IVF #3 for RE #3. I should call them and ask if I can get a pap smear and mammogram in between. I'm just in limbo-between providers, between insurance carriers. But it's nice to have a month of me back before IVF takes over my life again.

I've been crazy, tear inducing busy. Where have I been since I last wrote? I had a Project Management Certification Review Class that was boring, to say the least. From there I was East Coast for a day, then down to DC to spend the weekend with my dear friend Jack. We went to a happy hour and then out to dinner with his friends. Went shopping a bit and then went to DuPont circle area for just some walking around and the Phillip's Collection Museum. Had a lovely dinner in Georgetown, then back home. Monday was in San Fran for a conference where I had to present. I was freaked out because I hadn't reviewed my presentation really at all before hand. On the way to the conference, the organizer called and asked me if there was any way that I could move my presentation up from 3:45PM (really? Who wants to give ((or listen to)) a talk that late in the day) to 10:15AM, which I readily agreed to because otherwise I would work myself into a frenzy/tizzy. I did a great job (which is something I usually do not say, because lately I have been doing a crappy job at presentations) and was just glad to get it over with early. Came home yesterday, was able to get an earlier connecting flight so I was happy about that.

I'm exhausted. Unfortunately, it's not over. Today, even though I was officially on "vacation" because I have so much time to burn because I haven't taken vacation this year, I worked. I have two really, really big deals that I'm working on, one probably likely, one not so much. But I'm doing a lot of work on proposals and quotes and scoping work, blah blah blah and it just doesn't seem to quit. It will be well worth it if either of these come to close; both will be the biggest deal (the one not as likely could literally be a game changer for our company if, big if, it closes) we've ever had. Inside, my heart really isn't into it; what is driving me to travel and work like crazy right now is a part of me that needs to succeed, in a really big way, at something. Just to prove that I can. Like I used to before infertility kicked me in the, well, babymaker.

The real reason I've been putting off writing is because I've actually been thinking of quitting this stuff. I am not a quitter, so that is especially hard to say. A month out from the latest failed IVF, I still have little pockets of sadness, but I am mostly OK now. I don't really know why I'm thinking about quitting, other than I have a happy life when I'm not doing this stuff, and I don't like what it's done to my body, I don't like what it's done to my confidence, and I'm getting tired. I see mothers at Target with their tweens, who are complaining about something; I see other mothers at the park playing soccer with their elementary school level kids and don't know that I'll have that energy if (another big if) I ever have a child, and they are that age, and I am 50. So this is what my heart says.

My mind says that I have to get the eggs out now, they are just aging by the second, and six months from now I may not have any chance, while right now I have a slim one. My mind says I may change my mind about quitting and regret it if I don't do this one more time. I don't know if my mind is just being uber objective and super rational, or if I'm starting to get crazy/obsessive about this.

I also feel an obligation to my frozen embryos, all 7 of them, that I've worked so hard to get. That's what mainly makes me want to keep trying. I know all 7 of them won't make it out of thaw. And if I do this one more time, I may have a few more that will extend this out further. Sigh. I just know that this all has to end soon. And it will. One way or another.

Getting back on track, I'm in Chicago next week for training, and then off to my parents house for a quick weekend visit. I feel more like I have to do that then I want to do that, I'm sorry to say. My Mom is extremely non-compliant in taking care of her diabetes, and that has now caused her to have circulation problems in her legs, and is compromising her ability to get around. I've given up on trying to get her to wake up and take care of herself, and I don't mean that callously, but she doesn't want to hear it, and feels attacked and gets off the charts defensive when I bring it up; all I feel like I can do is go see her and spend some time with her. My parents don't really get along and talk to each other (including arguing) through us, mainly my sister. All of this causes me extreme anxiety, and me being there after being away for so long causes them anxiety as well; I see it and feel it. Fortunately it's a quick visit, so I'm hoping I can avoid the drama. Then it's back to Chicago for an Xmas party, and finally home on December 19. Then I take the project management certification exam on December 22.

Somewhere in there, my period should start, and my new insurance will at least be verifiable, and I'll start this whole IVF process over again. I'm not excited in the least; I'm hopeful, but cautiously so. This is most likely it for me on the Fresh IVF, and I'm OK with that. I didn't expect to be, but I am. Hopefully it will work; as long as I'm doing this, I'm always going to believe in miracles and possibility.

The private lesson

2011-11-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

Happy thanksgiving everyone. I had a very quiet, low keyed, and enjoyable one-and hope that you did as well. Started the day yesterday with a double Zumba master class. I burned 1000 calories says my pulse counter (that I probably immediately went home and drank in mimosas while cooking). I cooked. Not a lot, fortunately, Rob is all about cooking: I did the mimosas (priorities, you know), deviled eggs (I'm southern, no holiday dinner is complete without them), stuffed mushrooms, dressing, cranberry sauce, and biscuits. Rob did the other stuff. We took our time, cooked and ate a bit before 5. After we (he, mainly) cleaned up, I watched one of the Pirates of the Caribbean Movies. I love me some Jack Sparrow. It wasn't fancy, but it was everything I needed.

I was exhausted, needless to say, from the Zumba. I woke up this AM, hurting, most likely from the Zumba. I had scheduled a Pilates Plus class, you know, my favorite, for this AM. My studio will let you cancel 12 hours before hand-but after that, you are charged on top of what you've already paid to reserve your spot in class. I suppose this should be viewed as a great way to ensure your (my) lazy arse actually makes it to class. Unfortunately, that was the last thing on my mind today. I actually debated just eating the $25 charge that I would incur to no show. But I said no, I need to go (my strategy these days are 4 days on workouts, 1 day off) so I jammed my bigger than usual boobs (thanks stim medication) into my sports bra and off I went.

Long story short: I was the only one in the class. If others were registered, they did the right thing and no showed. As a result, I received a private lesson. Just me and the svelte, lithe, brutal pilates instructor, who proceeded to make me do each and every move; wherever I stopped to catch my breath/contemplate puking/consider crying, that's where she started up again in terms of how many more reps I had. Ugh. UGH. I was dripping sweat. Again, not in a good way. It was rolling into my eyes, making them water. I of course started having the usual conversation of doubt with myself, where I consider actually getting up and walking out of the class, never to return. That then evolves into how did I get so out of shape, I'm not used to being like this, and how my body has just been a cruel betrayal lately. The worst part was, right at the end of my workout, where I'm really ready to cry, the next class starts to come into the studio and WATCH me struggle through mermaid twists and super crunches. An audience-that was the missing element to ensure my misery! But the truth is, this has been a long time coming-the fertility treatments, the drugs, the stress or the side effects of drugs that cause me to be hungry/overeat, the bed rest, the activity restrictions...all of this over the past year plus has gotten me where I am. I'm not gonna get out of this in a day, or even a month. But it's hard, and discouraging. Every day. Every workout.

Because I wasn't feeling quite so horrid about myself, I went into some nearby boutiques to take advantage of the sales. I won't go into details except to say I'm hovering around a size 8-10 right now. My weight is definitely in my belly, but also (and this is weird) my back, just above my hips. I noticed it when I was trying to button a pair of size 8 pants, which were T-I-G-H-T. But the 10s were too loose. The place where they were tight were right above my butt/hips...ugh, another surprise spot to gain weight! It's like back love handles. So mental note, no shopping for clothes for a few weeks-nothing good to come of it.

TTC Liebster

2011-11-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

Just got the nicest award from Baby Hopes over at Chasing our Stork. Thank you dear friend!!! If you haven't checked out her blog, please do; she's been through quite the Infertility journey and has been double (actually triple) blessed, in more ways than one, for her determination and positive attitude. Her story gives me hope, and is a fantastic reminder that things really can work out in all of this, despite the numerous hurdles we face. I hope that I've piqued your interest enough to get you to go take a look; a wonderful person with an amazing story and perspective.

Continuing the accolades, here are my nominees. Here's to your strength, determination, insight, sincerity, resilience, and/or sense of humor:

Stinky at Beyond the Wallpaper
Brave IVF Girl at Braving IVF
Andrea at Palm Trees and Rainy Days
JM at Meier Madness
Womb4improvement at Womb for Improvement

Here's how to spread the Liebster Love:

Copy and paste the award on your blog
Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

Regroup

2011-11-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

Hi Blogger Friends. I hope everyone is doing well this thanksgiving week. I'm cooking tomorrow, it's just going to be the two of us but that is perfectly fine. I'm not sure that entertaining/socializing is what I need right now, and there will be plenty of opportunities for that between now and new years.

Thanks as always for everyone's responses and well wishes-it means a lot coming from such a dear group that knows exactly what I'm going through. I'm doing better every day, but sometimes despair and sadness creeps up on me out of nowhere. Yesterday I went back to Pilates, and I stuck with it, and while I didn't do everything, I did most of it. The instructor too was so much more encouraging; he helped me with the reformer settings and actually gave me a high five after class for sticking with it. It's nice coming out of a class feeling like I accomplished something, rather than being defeated. I'm doing a 2 hour zumba course tomorrow to cancel out the effects of thanksgiving. Hopefully.

I had a meeting with a client yesterday here in town-really, that's my favorite part of my job. I haven't been in work clothes in 2-3 weeks; I put on one of my larger sized suits knowing that I'm bloated and heavier than usual; unfortunately, it took a pair of Spanx to get me in the pants (and one button was undone-just pulled my top over it), and the blazer wouldn't button, so I just left it open. Sigh. A part of me still thinks of myself as having that 26 or 27 year old body, being able to wear what I want, not having to worry about if I have a gut, or if my ass is huge; then I look in the mirror and think "What happened to you?". Infertility happened. Aging happened. So I have some work to do. Difficult to do this week. Trying not to be hard on myself regarding being overweight and out of shape, because it just spins into how I don't know my own body anymore. But enough of that-obviously I need to get to a better place with body image.

I went to therapy yesterday for the first time after the latest BFN. I was much more detached from the situation than I expected to be; I almost feel like I'm talking about something that happened ten years ago, or to someone else. My therapist has grown on me, I really get value and insight from our conversations; most importantly, I feel like she genuinely cares about what happens to me in this journey. One thing that has emerged for me from this latest unsuccessful round is how much anger I hold towards the profession of Reproductive Endocrinology and the business of In Vitro Fertilization. I feel sometimes, a lot of times actually, that I'm a money making endeavor, not a patient. That I'm only as good as my insurance coverage, or my willingness to immediately pay out of pocket. It particularly stings for me how my practice handles notifying someone that they aren't pregnant; obviously not a fun task for anyone, but seriously, can you at least have someone that I know call me (and be respectful? And compassionate?). Actually, it would be nice if my Doctor called me.

I actually spent a lot of time talking about the lack of caring and compassion at my RE practice, mostly from the nursing staff. She reiterated that it was probably a time to change if I was going forward, which it is, like it or not, if only due to the insurance change. She also spent time basically saying that time is of the essence for me and how I have to quickly regroup and go forward in terms of egg retrieval. While I would like to say that she shouldn't be prodding me to get back into it, the fact of the matter is she is right. My eggs are not young. A month, or two, or four could be the difference between a BFN and a BFP. So I called Dr. B's office today to make an appointment. I tend to be a perfectionist; my thought was that I needed to wait until I had more insurance info, that I had time to actually have an appointment, but waiting might push me off stimming for longer than is practical. I dread getting going with a new practice while in insurance limbo, but what choice do I have? I can't stay with Dr. R, I'm just done with the practice and not sure I trust them to get me pregnant. That is underscored by their lack of insurance coverage with my new insurance or assistance with processing out of network claims. So goodbye to that.

I don't mean to sound all gloom and doom; I actually think this might be a "sign" (here I go again) that it's time to change, definitely. A shove in that direction, if you will. Right now I'm just tired, and still smarting from the BFN. I always pull it together in time to get through a cycle, and this time it will just take a bit more determination on the logistics. I'm going to think of this obstacles of opportunities, if only to keep me sane. Somewhat.

Edit: Called and spoke to the nurse at Dr. B's office. She basically told me to call back with my next period, and I would probably be looking at Feb for my next retrieval. I need to get them my records for this cycle, and also they need Rob's blood work. So I guess I'm on my way-now I'm just playing the waiting game.

A "C" in Advanced Algebra buys you next year in Trigonometry

2011-11-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone. Today is a "better" day-I didn't cry once. I've felt like it, but I've been able to distract myself/move my mind onto other things. Crying doesn't change anything. It doesn't make me feel better. I'm still not pregnant, no matter how hard or how long I cry. So I think I'm done with that.

I feel mostly relief to be back to the life I lead when not obsessing over infertility. By that I mean walking my dogs in the morning (not a quick trot out before I have to drive to La Jolla for blood work). Doing actual work (as opposed to googling every symptom, side effect, or implantation statistic). I'm drinking coffee again (good Lord, I love that stuff). I'm working out-spared myself the humiliation of Pilates and just went for weights/elliptical today. My usual life can be boring, but right now, it's a respite.

When I was in tenth grade, I struggled getting through math class. I cannot even tell you why- I just started off lost and it just went downhill from there. There were points throughout the semester where I was actually failing-Me, little Miss 1460 S.A.T; I was horrified, and my parents were beyond livid. I had a tutor, but that didn't help. After getting yet another D on a test, my parents fired the tutor and my Dad decided to tutor me himself. Jeez Luis, what a nightmare. Let's just say that neither patience nor encouraging words are my father's forte.

Nor was Algebra. At this point I had another test coming up that I was particularly not prepared for. I actually played sick on the day of the test so that I could "stay home and study", i.e. somehow think I was avoiding the inevitable. However, my "studying" was actually spent plotting; I'm sorry to say that I had one of my friends steal a copy of the test for me, and then, I had my Dad "tutor" me through the "homework", a.k.a. the problems that were on the test (I know, BAD, AWFUL, etc.). Don't fret-I got what I deserved-a D on that exam (thanks Dad).

I ended up somehow pulling it together, studying hours every night, sitting with friends who were nice enough to explain the stuff to me. When it came time for the final exam, I handed it in, and asked the teacher to please grade it right then and there. She called me back up to her desk and before I even saw it I asked her if I did well enough to get a "C" in the class. She said Yes, and then added "but I wouldn't get too happy. A "C" in this class buys you next year in Trigonometry." Which means that I basically went through torture, only to meet the minimum (i.e. not succeed, just do enough to progress to the next level), and get promoted to next years advanced math class-a whole new brand of torture the following year.

Let me finally tie this example to my trip through infertility. I feel now like I did when I passed (barely, by the grace of God) Advanced Algebra. A relief of sorts to be done with what I've went through, but extreme fatigue and disappointment as my reward-not a good grade then, or a viable pregnancy now. I again find myself with an uncertain future with more challenges probably greater than those I've already faced-only this time it isn't Trigonometry that I'm not prepared for, but new insurance, a new Doctor, and why my embryos or uterus or both keep failing me.

I survived Advanced Algebra, surely I can survive this. What doesn't kill us does make us stronger, although I don't know that I need any more strength, thank you very much. I can also choose to view this as an opportunity-to possibly be covered for more cycles under new insurance, to have a new Doctor that might be able to offer me better chances. But I still feel like I've just gotten through some really challenging stuff, only to find myself rewarded with more challenging stuff.

I will say that I dropped Trigonometry two weeks after school started the next year-I just couldn't deal with Math anymore and the anxiety was just more than I could handle. I didn't have to take it to graduate, so I didn't. But maybe that choice put me on the path that made me who I am today. And maybe these choices are destined to put me on my path to the next future. We'll see.

Body Image

2011-11-20T10:39:00.000-08:00

Hi Readers. Just a disclaimer. I'm not in the happiest of places. I'm doing OK, not great, but my pain and anger seems to sneak up on me out of nowhere, just when I think I have it together. So this is one of those negative, downer venting posts-if you don't want to read it, or allow me to vent, I understand.

I'm 5'8 and 165lbs (the last time I weighed myself, which was before the last retrieval). This is not easy to type, or to come to terms with. For most of my life, I was skinny-more around 120-125lbs. Then in my mid-thirties, I went to Grad School, and that weight crept up to 135-140lbs. Then I moved to California and, in the most ironic of ironies, that weight became 145-150lbs. I say that because CA is the land of the size 0-2s. If you are a six or an eight here, that can be considered "not skinny". Everywhere you look, people whose inner thighs don't touch. Single digit body fat.

Before starting infertility treatments, I got a trainer, and started running, and fought my way to 145. I was a comfortable size 8. Then I started treatment. It wasn't bad at first, when I was doing Clomid/IUIs. I probably gained 5-7 lbs. I told myself that I wouldn't get above 157 lbs. But then I did. When I started IVF, I gained weight again. Each cycle I get up to around 165 lbs. Is it the drugs, the stress (and associated eating), the depression/anxiety (the comfort eating/stress not eating cycle), the activity restrictions? Who knows. Between BFNs and the next cycles, I typically work out a lot, semi watch what I eat, and lose typically 5lbs before it starts up again. I'm not even bothering to weigh myself right now, because nothing good is going to come from me seeing that 165lbs-or more.

I struggle with weight issues, independent of infertility treatments, after watching my mother and then sister struggle with their weight issues for years. Mom gained weight after my sister was born. When I was a child, she was constantly struggling with weight and pursuing some new method of weight loss. Whether it was a health spa, Nautilus, or Nutrisystem, Diet Pills or Weight Watchers, I remember this vividly because several nights a week through most of my childhood she was doing something with one of these methods of weight loss, and always seemed to be fighting a losing battle. At some point, she just gave up. She now has diabetes, and is probably 150-200 lbs overweight. She has a lot of difficulty walking, because of what she says is arthritis in her knee, so she's using a cane. She's 68 years old. You can't really talk to her about her weight, and her related health issues; she gets angry and defensive, and feels like she is being attacked or criticized. So it's like this pink elephant in the room.

My sister is unfortunately going down that same path. She was overweight as a kid, didn't really want to do anything physical. At some point in high school she decided to lose weight, and went on a diet of diet soda, cigarettes, and crackers. She was fainting a lot. Then in college, she gained it back and then some. She does Cross-Fit, jiu-jitsu, and other martial arts obsessively, but still doesn't lose weight. She has high cholesterol and has mentioned before that she might have pre-diabetes. Like I mentioned before, this subject between me and them is taboo, mainly because my father has taken a verbally abusive route in trying to "tough love" them into dealing with their issues, which of course is ineffective.

I hope that this doesn't come across as judgemental, because what I'm really getting here is talking about how hard it's been seeing both of them struggle with it, because I don't want it to limit their quality of life or cause them health issues that can be debilitating. And probably, I'm scared to death that the same thing will happen to me-or is happening. I guess another part of it is just how these family dynamics can extend into my own body image issues, and how combined with these failed IVFs, I really don't trust or like my own body.

So getting this rant back on track, I went to my Pilates Plus class this AM-I'm basically trying to get back into my exercise routine, not only to lose weight I've gained, but also to help me out with the depression and anxiety that I'm experiencing after this latest failed IVF. I don't really relish doing this workout, but I do know that I always feel it afterwords-it works my core well, and I sweat like crazy. Some days you have it, others you don't-today was a don't day. I struggled throughout my workout, had to rest many times. By the time the workout was over and I was back on my car, I proceeded to have a full-throttle meltdown. It's so frustrating to keep having to go back to square one with my workouts, losing strength,endurance, stamina, cardio capacity, while gaining back the same weight over and over. I am one of those people that if I literally stop working out for a week-I've lost some element of each of those tenets of fitness. It's difficult to force myself to go to this class, and then struggle, and watch others do it effortlessly.

So the last cherry on top of this rant/pity party post is the fact that my body doesn't do what I want it to, whether that's getting to and keeping a certain fitness level, losing weight, or of course, or obviously getting pregnant. Until today I've never really put it all together-how disappointed I am right now with my body. I have child-bearing hips, except I don't bear children. I now somehow have cellulite on my arms (who knew this was even an option?). I don't want to get naked around Rob because of this, my bloating that makes looks like I'm 4 months pregnant, and the oh-so sexy scars from my multiple progesterone in oil reactions. That's all external. Internally, I can't get pregnant like most people, you know, sperm meets egg. I can't get pregnant with assistance. My embryos that I need scientific intervention with to even create won't implant in my uterus. There's a disconnect between my mind and my body, and I obviously need to figure out a way to reconcile the two.

I'm still standing

2011-11-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

Like the Elton John Song-although I'm not feeling like a little kid. Just a warning, this is another sad/downer post so if you prefer not to read, I understand. Thank you, thank you to everyone for your support, prayers, and kindness. I really need(ed) it, and really appreciate it. I'm almost numb today-but better, in some weird sense. Cried for hours yesterday afternoon, went to sleep, Rob came home, cried again. Went to sleep. Woke up because dog was puking (in the bed-lovely), couldn't go to sleep, spent most of night from 11PM-3AM awake. Took a vicodin because my head was just throbbing at this point (and hoped it would help me sleep). It didn't work on either accounts. Just went ahead and got up at 4:30AM.

Rob is upset, although I can't really gauge how much. He came home last night bearing chocolate lava cake (YUM). I texted him and said I was going to bed because I didn't want to talk about/think about the bad news anymore. He came up to the bedroom anyways when he got home and said "I'm really sorry. I thought for sure it was going to work this time." Which just made me lose it on a whole other level. He doesn't talk much about how this is for him, and honestly, doesn't like to/want to. I could barely say "I'm so sorry-it's me" to him, because in my anxiety and despair I had completely forgotten that this must suck for him too. He tries the logic approach with me, saying "there must have been something genetically not right", which, while I know and agree with that, it wasn't what I wanted to hear just then. And that of course made me even more upset, not so much angry because I know in his heart he's not trying to be as insensitive as it sounds. Somehow I said I just don't know how I can do this again (but I already know that, once this passes, I will), it's so hard on me physically, emotionally, financially and I'm just tired of going through it all and it not working. He too is puzzled because he feels like we did everything right, and that everything looked so good, and that the RE and the embryologist were so positive. I said something along the lines of I sometimes feel alone in this; he said that he is upset too, but he has to be the cheerleader, so he puts on a happy face. I felt bad hearing him say that, and that made me even more upset.

After another good, long cry I just went ahead and got up, because I couldn't just lay there and continue on that downward spiral. Relished in the fact that I didn't have to take ANY medication that evening. So today, while I'm still smarting from IVF Fail #3, I'm alive. And grateful to have a break from this IVF stuff-even if temporary. While reading a blog earlier this week, someone (I'm sorry if I'm quoting or misquoting here-if this was you, please let me know) wrote about how they wanted their frozen, imperfect embryos transferred, because if they weren't going to make it, they didn't want them frozen somewhere in a lab, but with them, transferred, where they can end their short time here where they are most loved. I completely understand this, and it comforts me. I know that these 3 that were so promising started and ended with me. Which is where I want that to happen. I think of the six I have still frozen. I wonder if any of them are viable, since they were runner ups to the best in both cycles 2 and 3. I can't test them now, they are all day 5. I spent a lot of time last night for some reason thinking if they were worth transferring. I put their ultrasound pic in my desk drawer with the others, out of the way for now.

During my hours awake this morning, I also started getting mad again at my RE, and the clinic. When I was checking out yesterday, I told the billing coordinator that my insurance was changing and before I could even finish my sentence, she said "I can tell you that we do not accept them or bill them, but you can submit for out of network and be reimbursed by them directly." In other words, we don't accept, you'll be doing everything. This is after I've dumped over $35K of insurance and co-pays in their direction. The nurse that called me yesterday was not my nurse-someone I didn't even know. It was as bad as last time, where you can hear in their voice the second you answer the phone that it's a negative. I don't know the right thing to say to someone in my position, but I'm not an RE nurse; I do know the wrong thing to say and it's "I'm sorry, but you're not pregnant." And that's it. I just feel like they treat you like you have the plague when it doesn't work-as if I've brought their SART/CDC Rates down and it's in their best interest if I don't come back. I know that is irrational. Probably being angry at them at all is. My guess is they are just the easiest to be mad at right now, because this anger has to be directed at someone, right? I don't know that they deserve it, but I do know that I don't trust them or want to be treated like this again, whether that is fair or not. So I'm not going back to them-for the insurance, for the trust, for the upsetting way they approach the business of helping people have a baby.

IVF covered with the new insurance. I'm going to take it as a sign (yes, I'm not giving up on them) that it was time to change providers anyhow. The guy I had the 3rd opinion consult with in October does accept my new insurance, so I'm most likely going to go to him. He's in private practice, and his nurse was actually awarded Resolve RE Nurse of the year, and him and his wife went through infertility. So once I get specifics on my insurance I'm going to ask them for a re-consult, this time with my records, including those from this last go round since I saw him.

I'm still smarting, but I do have some small smatterings of hope left in me. I still want to be a mom, and have a baby. I think the sadness I'm feeling is being somewhat countered by the opportunity to have my life back for a while. I'm going to be traveling a lot in the coming weeks for work, but I've arranged two side trips to visit friends and family nearby. If anyone is near New London CT, Providence RI, or Chicago and would like to get together, let me know! I'm taking a prep course to become certified in project management, and taking the exam; hoping that will keep me occupied with other things for a while. Today when making my travel arrangements I noticed that I have goo-gads (that's southern for a significant amount) of airline and hotel points-so I may even try to go somewhere tropical around Xmas for that vacation I mentioned never being able to take.

It's going to take a while, but I'm going to get past this and back in the game. Count on it.

Faith

2011-11-16T14:13:00.000-08:00

So now I have 3 more butterflies. I don't know where to go from here. I feel cheated. I know I shouldn't wallow in discouragement, but I feel defeated. I have no choice but to pick myself up and go forward. With what, how, I don't know. I'm old. I know this works against me. I don't know why it's so unfair. Why would those eggs fertilize, and grow, to day 3, then 5? And hatch? I was actually nauseated today. I've been trying not to invent symptoms, and this is precisely the reason why.

Now I have not only this, but also the added burden of having to deal with new insurance that my current RE does not accept. So I have that to deal with, that is if I even get benefits from it.

I avoided writing this because I thought it would jinx me, but some things had happened recently that I interpreted as "signs". A few weeks ago I was sitting outside on a cloudy day. Out of no where the sun came out and shone strongly in my eyes. I just had a feeling come over me that said "This is going to work". I know it sounds crazy, but it was one of those things that are just unexplainable but you just get a strong feeling over. Then yesterday after finding out that my insurance is being changed, I just became so upset that I couldn't focus, so I went for a walk on the beach. As I'm walking, a pregnant woman walks by and I think "whatever it is that you have, please sprinkle some on me." Then I walked a little further, calming down more. A woman and her mother were playing on the beach with a baby. The baby's stroller was sitting off to the side. It just suddenly started rolling towards me-I don't know if it was a gust of wind or what. I caught it, and rolled it back up to the woman and her mother. I thought that if that wasn't a sign, a stroller just coming at my path, then what is? One more-same walk, I saw pelicans flying by, with young ones-I had never seen that before.

During my transfer, it was probably the Xanax, but I felt like my deceased grandparents were in the room with me. I was so happy because I knew they were supporting me in spirit. I was also hoping that this cycle would work, because my grandfather and grandmother passed less than four weeks apart around this time of year 6 years ago; my grandfather at Thanksgiving, my grandmother right before Xmas. I was so hoping to have good news so that it would make this time of year a happy time again. Now it's just one more thing to make the holidays melancholy.

I'm not crazy, and I hope you don't think I am. I just needed to tell someone who can sort of relate to what I'm going through all of this because I really feel that my faith in God is being tested, and I'm not sure why my prayers go unanswered. I realize that I am an unmarried Catholic trying to get pregnant with IVF, and that the church frowns upon nearly every part of that statement, but I am not a bad person. I never thought I would ever not have children, and here I am-ANOTHER failed IVF. I so had hoped never to be here again. But here I am. Why? Am I crazy to even think about continuing to try?

My prayer has always been for God to bless me with a baby, but if he couldn't, to give me the courage to get through another failed cycle. Hopefully, I can at least get that. And I can also say, this doesn't get easier to go through. It might be harder.

Negative.

2011-11-16T13:39:00.001-08:00

Thank you all for your support. Not sure what to do from here.

Thanksgiving Good Deed

2011-11-15T18:17:00.000-08:00

Haven't done Good Deeds in a while, but wanted to pass this along. Jill over at Scary Mommy is sponsoring an opportunity to help, or be helped this thanksgiving. Check out the post where she asks those that can help, and those that need it, to reply-and she's matching folks up to ensure we all have something to be thankful for. The posts are heartbreaking, but also inspiring.

Work/Insurance Freak Out

2011-11-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

OK, I am trying not to freak out here but I just found out that my work is changing insurance carriers. We are switching from United Healthcare, who, while certainly isn't the greatest option, covers 4 IVFs (which is one more for me) to Blue Cross of Illinois. First item to freak out about: none of the Drs. in my practice are in network. Second item: I don't know how many IVFs they will cover (don't have detailed information yet), or if mandatory coverage will apply (company is in Illinois, I'm in California. United covered).

On the not so freak out side, it does look like they will cover 70 percent after deductible of $1000 is met. However, let me just say that it took me until November to meet my 2K deductible on this plan. Also, the 3rd opinion guy is covered (the guy in Orange County).

I know that I am lucky to have any insurance coverage, and to have had it for 3 cycles. I am very thankful for that, because as is I'm 13K out of pocket with healthcare expenses this year. But this is another unexpected curve ball in the infertility maze, courtesy of my already challenging employer. I hope to God I am pregnant because I am sick of dealing with stuff like this. And regardless, the second I have exhausted my benefits, and am able, I am finding a new job.

I'm sure this isn't as bad as I'm making it to be in the moment, but I cannot tell you how annoyed I am right now.

What else I had, and where it is now

2011-11-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that an abstract I submitted to a leading Pharmaceutical Industry Group has been accepted for presentation next June. For some reason, I haven't been able to ever get anything accepted at this one particular conference, so it's been a professional goal for me to get a talk accepted at this. Here's hoping that I'll be seven plus months pregnant then-worried about flying cross country in that state, but this is a good problem to have, and one that can be easily solved (I can take myself out or find someone to replace me if need be). I have also registered to take a Project Management certification review course at the end of the month that I have been putting off forever. Was debating on whether to do it now or just wait. Just waiting has delayed this goal by about 5 years so far, and I can certainly sit in a classroom if I'm pregnant, right? If I'm not pregnant, then maybe this will take my mind off of the IF stuff for a while.

So much of life goes on hold when dealing with infertility. Friends, relationships, sex, financial goals, etc. My career has probably suffered the most during all of this. I have been juggling travel in between three cycles that is required for my job; I've been home since mid-October, and am going to have to start up again, pregnant or not. My travel tends to be very last minute, and for the most part, I've previously been OK with that. However, today I decided not to go to Connecticut for a client meeting the first week of December because a) getting to this part of CT is never easy-let alone in Winter, b) the meeting is on a Friday, meaning I would either get home at midnight west coast time Friday night or have to travel on Saturday (and then turn around and go on another trip to San Fran the following Monday) and c) I'm just not ready to do an extensive cross country trip right now-pregnant or not. This is not a decision I likely would have made a year ago. But career has definitely taken a backseat during all of this, and I'm honestly not sure if it will ever come back, regardless of my IVF outcome.

Maybe all of us at some point in our lives decide to dial it back career wise, regardless of infertility. However, one of my goals if I do not get pregnant with these efforts is to find a more rewarding, less demanding career. Hence the project management certification. I know that if I don't become pregnant and have a baby, I will take my career seriously again, but right now, I kind of need to coast. If I do become pregnant, I intend to dial it back, which actually means give 100 percent effort as opposed to 120 percent. Work 50 hours instead of 60 hours per week. Have a life. Take vacations. Ones that are more than a day here, two days there. Case in point: I have three weeks of vacation time that I have to take or lose between now and end of year.

Tell me about how TTC/IF has affected your career, and if you are OK with that. Meanwhile, I have to go find something to eat, even if it's 10AM-starving (I'm blaming it on the progesterone).

Resistance

2011-11-14T06:51:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm 2 days from my Beta. I've still not tested.

It's not easy.

This is part of my "live in the moment" approach. If I'm not pregnant, of course I'll be upset. If I am pregnant, well I'll be ecstatic, but then a whole new set of worries start, which I won't go into, because I'm supposed to be living in the moment.

The last time around, I tested. Several times. Was heartbroken, also several times. I thought that it would make me stronger for when the Beta came back negative. It didn't. Was still heartbroken. This time went so much better-more eggs, more day 3 blasts, more day 5 embryos, more to freeze. A hatching, and two other quality embryos transferred. And I am thankful for all of that, more than I can say. I want to say something negative here, but stopped myself/deleted it. It is so difficult to get out of that mindset!

I have found doubt creeping into my mind more the closer I get to testing, which is natural, right? When I catch myself, I say "there is not any reason right now to believe that your not pregnant." And right now, there isn't. A part of me wants to stay in the suspended animation of sorts that is the two week wait. Because even though I don't know that I'm pregnant, I also don't know that I'm not.

As for symptoms-I continue to be tired, and have weird, painful cramps (both of which may very well be progesterone). My boobs are tender, but not sore. I don't really put any stock into any of them one way or another. I'll know soon enough-so maybe I should just enjoy that there is not a reason to believe I'm not pregnant.

Bye Bye, PIO

2011-11-10T16:51:00.000-08:00

Parting is such sweet sorrow!

I woke up this AM to-you guessed it-ANOTHER PIO reaction. While it doesn't look as bad as the other one, it hurts-to the point of going numb at times! So I'm now on the suppositories. Which is cheaper than the PIO (how is that?).

I am seriously excited about this, giddy almost. Yes, I know I'm weird.

What does pregnant feel like?

2011-11-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

I had my Progesterone level blood draw this AM. Seriously, I'm trying to "get right" with my progesterone injects. I feel like I can only do injects on my non-reaction side, as my reaction side is still quite sore, and red, and ITCHY. It actually doesn't seem to be getting any better, but the reaction from last time around (in July) still hadn't completely healed-looked as if there was almost a faint bruise.

Just got a call from my old RE nurse-she's back from maternity leave (insert ironic comment here). My progesterone is 38.5, so the good news is that I don't have to up my dose.

The downhill of IVF seems to be the hardest, doesn't it? When you are stimming, going for ultrasounds, etc. you are doing something, you are getting feedback every day on what's going on, how things are looking. When the egg retrieval is done, and the transfer and bedrest is over, my mind starts to kick in. And doubt. And worry. And then become focused on stopping myself from walking down that non-productive path.

One of my friends called me today and said "do you feel pregnant?" My reply: "I don't know! I've never been pregnant. What does pregnant feel like?" She then told me how she started throwing up when she found out she was pregnant, but 30 or so years ago there weren't early pregnancy tests, so she said she was actually about 3 -4 weeks pregnant. So here is my question-what symptoms did you have in the 2ww? I'm not even at a point where I have BhCG in my blood yet, if it worked (God willing). I get twinges here and there-but could that be the progesterone, or my body just going back to how it was before the stims? I get some mild nausea-but is that just something that any other time, I would overlook; is this something I'm imagining? My boobs/nipples are sore/bigger than usual, but they have been since my stims. I'm tired, especially in the afternoon. But daylight savings has thrown me for a loop, going to sleep at 8 and waking up at 4am.

The only thing that makes me wonder happened yesterday. I went up to Irvine to see a client. While I was driving up there, I just became LETHARGIC. I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it through the meeting, let alone the drive home. Rallied when I got to my client, went into the meeting, gave my presentation, then annoying co-worker started hers. I will say that I usually do glaze over when she talks anyhow, but I do manage to keep one ear open in case I need to correct her or she throws me a curveball, as she always does. Of course she asked me a question during one of her yammers and I was just totally zoned out-not asleep, but definitely not paying attention. That is unlike me, and the fatigue isn't something normal either. But again, it could be a lot of things.

During my last therapy appointment, we discussed my doing an HPT beforehand last time around, and how I was upset by that, and then equally upset when my Beta came back negative. So basically, I went through the same sorrow twice; the second one certainly wasn't buffered by the first. So this time, I'm not doing it. I've found myself repeating my version of a Buddhist proverb: What is going to happen will happen. Meaning, if I'm pregnant, I'm going to be pregnant next Wednesday when my beta is drawn. Doing an HPT beforehand isn't going to make me pregnant or not pregnant. And the joy, or the sorrow, that comes from the result will be there then too-why rush? I guess this time around I'm just not forcing the issue, I'm letting the course of events unfold as they are meant.

Rushing into the Future

2011-11-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

So here we are, day 2 of the 2 week wait. I'm off of bedrest, which I actually complied with well. I watched movies (Clueless and Knocked Up), reality shows (the Real Houewives of Atlanta), Sex in the City re-runs. I started reading a book (Steve Jobs biography-and up to where I am right now, he doesn't sound like a nice guy, let alone visionary) and read the New York Times Sunday edition. My dogs LOVED having me on the couch, and were perfectly happy to participate in bed rest with me. Rob was great. So that's done.

Today I actually stayed on bedrest until noon, well after my 48 hours was up,because I had to go get my new Progesterone in Cottonseed Oil from the Pharmacy in my RE's building. I worked this afternoon, and yes, more annoying stuff from the coworker that has been annoying me lately. Tried not to get wrapped up in it, and got back in focus with other things more important. I went to Whole Foods and got some stuff for dinner tonight and tomorrow night, as well as some pineapple for "implantation".

I have to say that my final egg results have me a bit down. Here is where I count my blessings and remember I have to be thankful for the quality of the 3 we transferred being better than those of last cycle. I thought I'd have more than 5 to freeze, but honestly, I'm thankful for that. It' just so weird, strange, and unexplainable how twelve great day 3s turn into 8 after all is said and done. But that's part of the reason for going to day 5, right? Nature allowed us to see which ones had the most hope, and to have all of these that were actually hatching blastocysts. I'm going to regard as a good thing.

The lull in activity is allowing my mind to start wandering to the future-what ifs and next cycles, another (my last) fresh versus frozen, if fresh then use the same doctor, and on and on. I'm sure that's natural, but really, nothing good can come from it. What is going to happen WILL happen. And I also realize that getting past one milestone only means another, then another, on this journey. So for today, even though my nature is to start contingency planning, I'm just going to appreciate that I have 3 embryos inside of me, hopefully growing, and five more waiting, along with the one from last cycle, on ice. I had a great stim, a great retrieval. I am lucky.

Day 6-freeze report

2011-11-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

Just got the call from the embryologist. We have 4, maybe 5 to freeze. 4 are hatching blastocysts; 1 of those fair quality; 2 fair -poor,poor. Another early blast that they will wait until afternoon to see if hatching starts and they will freeze that one too. Two had arrested.

My transfer and no luck on getting out of PIO injects

2011-11-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm blogging on my iPhone so excuse any typos. We transfered 3 today-a hatching blast, an early blast, and I think a compacted blast. Embryologist said this cycle was much better. Of the 12 that were growing on day 3, 10 remain-3 transferred and 7 they will look at tomorrow and freeze.

Definitely another PIO reaction, but now I'm on PIO, the oil this time being cottonseed. If I have one more reaction, I'm demanding suppositories. While the reaction site doesn't look that bad, it hurt/itches like hell.

Thanks everyone for comments and well wishes!

Oh, Progesterone

2011-11-05T04:33:00.000-07:00

I wish I could quit you!

I'ts 4:30AM on the west coast, and I'm awake...with another progesterone in oil reaction.

Why does this keep happening? They switched me to progesterone in olive oil, and quite frankly, all of the injects have been hurting more than the last time. But I took it. Last night, I probably over-numbed my arse with ice, so I waited a few minutes for my skin where the icepack was to not feel like a piece of plastic, then Rob did the inject. The injection site bled, probably too much-saturated nearly 2 gauze cubes even though I was applying a lot of pressure.

It's been hurting all night. Now I just went to the bathroom and the same pancake size red, hot welt is on my right hip. I don't feel itchy anywhere else-right now. My transfer is scheduled for 10AM. Clinic doesn't open until 8.

Grrrrrr. What am I going to do? Are they going to cancel my transfer over this?

Day 3 Fertilization Report

2011-11-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Is it bad when you are on a first name basis with the embryologist?

The deal was, the embryologist would call by 930 if things weren't so hot-minimal embryos, poor quality, reduced #, etc. She didn't. I could call by 11:30am to check on things if I didn't hear from her. I called at 12:30 and left a message.

I called again at 3:30PM. Seriously, call me already!

She finally called me at 5PM. We both took turns lecturing each other. Lola (embryologist): "I told you I'd call before 9:30am i there was a problem, right? I didn't, because there wasn't a problem. You called me several times."

Me: " I waited until 12:30 to call you. I've called you twice. You know that I'm paranoid and anxious Lola. Now give me my day 3 report."

That being said, here it is:

Of the 12 that fertilized:
12 are growing! Again, someone please do the humpty dance for me, because my ovaries still hurt!
5 are the best quality
6are the good/fair quality
1 is poor quality

So there you have it. I have one more day of egg/embryo holiday, God willing. So it's on to Saturday AM.

Fertilization Report

2011-11-01T12:28:00.001-07:00

Well gang, it's good news.

Of the 14 retrieved, 13 were mature eggs. Of the 13, 12 have fertilized.

Yay! Yay! Yay! Please do the humpty dance for me, my ovaries hurt!!!!!

So right now it's looking like a day 5 transfer. They may call on day 3 if things don't go well and we need to switch.

I'm so excited, and for right now, I feel like an overachiever. Thank you, God! THANK YOU.

I'm Awake

2011-10-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. I don't have anything major to report about my retrieval. I was home by 1PM, and had lunch. I've felt a bit queasy all day, even before the retrieval. I've had lunch but I can say this one has been a bit harder to recover from. I kind of feel like you do after you've been sick-just really, really tired, and kinda out of it. I also feel like I'm retaining a LOT of fluid. I really haven't been urinating as much as I've been drinking the last day or two. However, even at it's worst, it's better than an endometrial biopsy on the pain scale!

I slept this afternoon for about 3 hours. Now, I'm actually working. It keeps my mind from racing about my eggies, the fertilization report, and if those intermediate ones will mature. My goal is to obviously get pregnant this time around, my back-up goal is to have more embies for freezing this time as well. Hopefully both will happen!

Rob has been great today, I'm really lucky to have a great partner in all of this. And my dogs have been total snugglers today-what else can make you feel better so quickly as a chihhuahua or two spooning you on the couch?

Anyhow, thanks for the love everyone-I really, really appreciate it.

14 retrieved

2011-10-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

At least 10 mature.

Final e2-Retrieval Set for Monday

2011-10-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Hi. Final E2 was 3714. My largest follie today was 21, so I we're a go for Monday. Trigger at 10PM tonight.

I have to take another Ganirelix this afternoon, then "between 300-450 of Gonal F-a booster." I'm going to hope that the 450 of Gonal F won't push me into hyperstim since I am taking an additional Ganirelix today.

I can't believe it's already here.

Day 7 Stims-E2

2011-10-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

Never a dull moment-now it's 2906. So I'm going back down to 300 of Gonal-F. Dr. R (who called me herself, even though there's not a problem) feels like my eggs will grow on their own now, and she doesn't want me to get to the point where I've hyperstimmed and can't take my trigger, so it's lower Gonal F probably from here on out.

Another ultrasound in the AM, and e2 check. I have to say, I'm starting to feel this-I'm crampy, and really, really tired. My TGIFing might be spent on the couch with a magazine.

Day 7 Stims

2011-10-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone. Dr. R. is completely OK with my E2, she said she expected it with the Ganirelix introduced Wed. She said she dialed me back to prevent hyperstimulation, even though she doesn't even think I'm at risk for that. When she did my U/S this am I have one follie on Right at 18, and a bunch more at 16-17; the words she used to describe is that it looked "beautiful". She says I'm having a beautiful stimulation this time. We had a lot of trouble finding the Left Ovary today, but only saw one follie measuring about 16.

I don't have my E2 yet-will update with that post. Dr. R is going out of town this weekend (sigh) but the chief guy in the practice, Dr. B., will do my U/S tomorrow. I told Dr. R that even though things look OK and my estrogen drop is what she wanted, I didn't want to go forward if this becomes problematic as I only have 2 more IVFs left that Insurance will cover. I don't want her partner being the one to make that call, even if he's the senior guy, I want it to be her-she knows my case and I'm not just some random patient. I don't think this will be the case, but I also don't want to wait until she's gone and then have a problem and leave it in someone elses hands, as Dr. B was the one that essentially decided to proceed with my IVF #1 where I had crazy ups and downs in my E2, including a last minute drop. I told her that today if it's looking weird I want to talk directly to her, not the nurse, and she agreed that she would call me if it was stalled or dropped again.

I realize this all sounds like paranoia, but I really, really felt the need to advocate for myself here. I would rather cancel and redo than do this and get bad eggs because of e2, or worse, ONE bad egg because of bad e2s. Been there, done that.

Sorry for the vent/rant. I'm also very fatigued, not really sure why, and just not a lot of diplomacy in me right now.

Day 6 Stims

2011-10-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well, %#%*(#).

I was told that this wasn't a big deal, but I am freaking a bit. My e2 is 1929. Thats down from 2039, but they went down from 412.5 to 300 of Gonal F on my dose yesterday, and started me on my Ganirelix. That's less than 100 difference, but tonight I'm back to 375 Gonal F, same Saizen, same menopur, same ganirelix.

Three more days of stimming. I'm still higher than I was at this point in either cycle. Maybe this is coasting, who knows. I'm a bit worried, but hoping that this is just temporary.

Day 5 of Stims

2011-10-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

OK, so the mood swings are back to happy (for now). My e2 is at 2039 today. Wow. This may not be a big deal to most, but let's not forget that 1) I'm ancient by reproductive standards and 2) my final e2 at IVF # 1 was a whopping 1209, and my final e2 for IVF #2 was 2139. I have 4 days of stimming left if I go to my tentative retrieval date of next Tuesday.

I started Ganirelix today, and they are actually-get this-lowering my dose of Gonal F to 300. There's a first-a dose decrease. I'd prefer not to go up and down on my doses, but I'd more prefer not to get hyperstimulated. But apparently they didn't expect me to respond this way-I certainly didn't. This time last cycle my e2 was just over 1000. Things change in this IVF stuff in a split second, so I'm just going to count my blessings for now. And hope that Ganirelix slows things down a bit.

Watch it, Freedom...

2011-10-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

First let me just acknowledge that I'm inappropriately if not hormonally angry and emotional.

That being said, I'm going to be out of my Gonal F after tonight, and I have to use Freedom Pharmacy to refill. I'll also be out of Ganirelix by the weekend. My MD office called these in to Freedom around eleven this AM. Long story short, I've been on the phone with Freedom most of the afternoon trying to get this stuff by tomorrow. I've had to tell them at least five times now that I need this immediately; they keep saying is a Friday arrival date OK?

NO!!!!!

What part of TOMORROW/THURSDAY arrival is so difficult to understand? And the part that is really annoying me is that I specifically asked my nurse to order me enough meds to account for my increased dose.

Just venting. Thanks for listening.

Day 4 Stims

2011-10-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

So today I had an U/S to check follicular growth. One follicle was 13, one 11, one 10, those were on the right, with several 9s in the mix as well. On the left there was a 10 and a 9 and some other less than 9s. My e2 values today are...1314. Holy moly. That's nearly doubled. That's higher than my last drawn E2 on my first IVF. So I might be adding Ganirelix in tomorrow. Doing another U/S tomorrow too. I get the feeling that Dr. R. was a bit nervous about a lead follicle when she saw the 13, mainly because I had called about that potential earlier in the week when my Baseline E2 was 71. As an FYI, she said they would start anyone on stims if E2 was below 100. Google has said it should be below 80, also below 50, so you really can't always trust the internet.

Day 3 Stims-E2

2011-10-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Hi ICLW-please visit my post for the week here

Just heard from my RE Nurse-just got my e2 results for 3 days of stimming-I'm at 726, started meds on Friday PM, taking everything now at night. I'm currently on and will stay at (for tonight at least) 412.5 of Gonal F, and 2 vials of menopur. I have to say that I almost feel like I'm vibrating, and I'm definitely kind of out of it, either from the meds or the lack of sleep (courtesy of hot flashes like no one's business). I'm not complaining-simply corresponding. In fact, just typing "hot flash" makes me start sweating.

Not-Penny's Baby Shower

2011-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hi there. If you're stopping by from ICLW, here's my welcome post.

I wouldn't say that I exactly relish being categorized as infertile. And if you can say that this is a life event that you can positive-outlook your way through, I might call you crazy. But during my initial foray into the internetz world of blogging and IF, I came across a few blogs that I connected with immediately. Today is the virtual shower for Elphaba over at Eggs and Sperm. I think why I immediately came to love her blog and root for her was that she was always honest about how she felt; even if being honest meant being snarky, angry, and the like. I especially admire her courage to start or respond to some controversy around things we all deal with along this journey on her blog, and have the guts enough to put her feelings out there, always.

I admire her wit, her courage, and her determination. All my best to you and yours as you prepare to welcome this special delivery, Friend! Prefer to just send the gift and let it be a surprise!

PS-Thank you Mo for organizing and posting!

Hi ICLW

2011-10-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

It's that time again! Hi there, I'm Kelly, I'm an ancient 43 years old and trying to have a baby. I've named my Blog Team Baby, because it takes a village for me to make a baby-the hard way. The very, very, VERY hard way.

Here are the highlights of my path through infertility: Me and my fiance Robert started trying about two years ago, one year naturally. I started going to an RE in September 2010, went through 4 IUI/Clomid cycles, all negative. Then went to RE #2, where I've gone through 2 IVF cycles. You're catching me on the start of stims for #3. I'm basically operating right now on raw hope and faith, as I promised myself when I started this that I would do everything in my power to get pregnant, and would be OK with that regardless of the outcome if I knew I had done everything in my power to make that happen.

I have to be honest: this stuff isn't for the faint of heart. It's been a long, stressful, and expen$ive process. Fortunately (sort of) my insurance coverage covers most of my meds and some of my medical, although I'm currently out of pocket this year about $12,000 for infertility related treatment expenses. I've questioned my ability to trust my current RE after some problems retrieving my eggs in IVF#1, and an endometritis diagnosis after I pushed for a biopsy after IVF #2. Right now I'm just trying not to lose my marbles and "keep calm and carry on" to get through IVF #3.

When I'm not obsessed with having a baby, I'm actually a fun person. We live in Southern California and try to enjoy the beautiful outdoors and weather as much as we can. We have two Dogs, Chai and Bruno, Chihuahuas that we love and spoil too too much. I work in medical research, and once upon a time was a nurse in Labor and Delivery. Oh, the ironies of life!

Chai and Bruno, fighting over who gets to give Mamma the Gonal-F inject

I usually will try to ask questions to get to know the people who stop by during ICLW. Here's this months-I'll answer at the end of the week. Thanks for stopping by, please follow along if you like. All my best to each of you!

If you went through IUI or IVF, did you exercise while on stims?

What will you be handing out for trick-or treat? If not handing out candy (or if you are not in the states) what is your favorite candy?

Did you see the original Footloose movie? What do you think about it being "remade"?

Happy ICLW!

The Doubt Track

2011-10-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

When stims start, it seems like everything goes from 0 to 60 mph in a snap. A week ago I was relishing getting "me" back, having recovered from IVF #2. But do those of us going through infertility, ever really get our life back, or self-worth, our confidence? Does it come back when it's over (whether pregnant or not)? Are we forever changed in how we view our bodies, what was supposed to be our version for the pattern of things in life (mine was-go to school, get a great job, find a great partner, get yourself stabilized financially /emotionally /relationship-wise, buy a house, have a baby)? Does the insecurity and the sense of unfairness ever dissipate?

Yesterday, the MD office called to tell me that my e2 was 71 and that I could start stims. First issue was my new Nurse (my former one had a baby, ironically) wasn't the one who called me-it was some OTHER Nurse in the practice to tell me. This fries my arse in that continuity of care seems to be an issue for me lately. This is not a routine trip to the family practice doctor for a pap-smear; this is IVF. Can I at least talk to the same person most of the time? Then I compare that E2 with my previous E2s prior to starting stims-they were in the low 50s. Well, the Nurse in me immediately starts self diagnosing...which I now feel compelled to do since I was the one that had to force the issue of the endometrial biopsy. I start worrying that my E2 is on the higher side, that it might be a sign of a lead follicle, and seeing how they've given me a starting dose of 412.5 on the Gonal F (higher than last time, and just plain high overall) that it will crash my cycle before it begins. This thought just keeps spinning and spinning in my head, and then goes into the peripheral concerns (rational or not): why isn't anyone else concerned about this? Did the Doctor check this or was it just the Nurse (and which nurse)? Are they being careless, or am I being paranoid? And this invariably leads me to the worst case scenario of "Why am I doing this again?" "Maybe I wasn't meant to be pregnant?" and "Why is this happening to me?"

I'm not saying that any of these thoughts are rational. But this is what goes on inside my head.

I felt myself just getting worked up in the anxiety of this thought process. I remembered my therapist talking about how it was important not to get stuck in destructive thought "tracks", where we start with a doubt and rush that into the future, and use it to gather other negative related thoughts to gather momentum. I totally felt myself doing it, but stopping it was another story. The advice she gave me for stopping it was to come back into the "Now", and remind myself what I have-not materialistically, but as traits and attributes that are valuable, and make my life meaningful as it is.

Easy enough to to with mild doubts, easier said than done when in the thick of IVF panic. But I thought I'd throw that out there in the event someone else can make this work!

Since I couldn't get my doubts to shut up I just called Dr. Rs office and asked to speak with her. I was told that she was with new patients, and would be for a while. I understand that, but I have also never, ever called her and asked to speak to her and kind of felt like I should have had access to her-or at least the option to talk to her and not my nurse if I needed it. On the flip side of that, I'm kind of glad I didn't get her, because I was irate. I was instead referred to my Nurse, who apparently was there (so not sure why she couldn't have called me in the first place). Of course I got her voicemail, I left her a very detailed message about my concerns, lead follicle, blah blah. When she called back, I was on the phone with Freedom Pharmacy; she basically said that they were confident with having me start stims, that my E2 was fine, and that my E2 may be higher because I may have more follicles. OK, fine.

If I can step back from my crazy for a minute, I understand that not every patient needs to speak with their MD every time they call and that most of the time MDs are not available because they are with patients. I get that-I worked in an OB clinic for 4 years. I guess this all comes from a trust issue I now have, because of the problems getting my eggs in the first cycle (and possibly not just cancelling me before going to retrieval), and the endometritis discovered after my insistence on a biopsy during the second cycle. But honestly, I don't know if that distrust will go away simply by changing providers. I seem to have developed a distrust of just Healthcare in general now, if RE practices are in it for the patients, or the dollars, or the stats on successful IVFs. I also don't feel like I'm being treated with empathy or concern from the Nurses I'm dealing with in this practice; I realize that my expectations are probably higher because I've been a nurse, but I think we all deserve someone that can give us the attention, compassion, and patience that we need. I just question how valid either of these concerns are, or if they are just fueled by my anxiety over not getting pregnant, and facing the end of my options as far as fertility treatments go very soon.

I was walking the Dogs this morning, and thought "Can I stop this? Can I stop this cycle and not do it? Can I go to Dr. B instead? Would it be any different going to Dr. B?" and immediately countered those panicked thoughts with "The train has left the station-your meds are ordered. Stop being a baby. This isn't as bad as you make it. You can't transfer now." It's just doubt and uncertainty from all sides.

I think ways I can feel better through this is to ask Dr. R the best way to talk to her if I have questions that involve issues regarding pathophysiology that I want her insight into-not my nurses, because my nurses don't always translate that in a way that is detailed enough for me. This obviously wouldn't be every single time that I have a question, but I don't feel like I should always be deferred to a Nurse when I have something that I feel is critical to my cycle. I don't think it's fair of me to have this opinion without letting her know that I feel like they are failing me on this account.

As for the Nurse, I don't really know what to do. I don't so much feel that what she does or doesn't do is compromising my care, but I'm already stressed, and I don't need indifference or condescending approaches or less than prompt follow up adding to the stress I'm feeling around this. I guess the approach there too is just to let her know I expect to be able to get my results and talk through them, and if she is there I'd like for her to call me with lab results and not have someone else do it if at all possible.

Editing to add: just received my meds shipment from Freedom. First, I don't have dexamethasone, which I'm supposed to start tonight. It wasn't included in the order at all, so I don't know what happened there. Left message for nurse (i.e. do nurses job for her) to ask that she call my local pharmacy and have that filled. Then, I asked to have more Gonal-Fs this time shipped, since I ran out after about 3 days last time. Guess what-same amount, and I'm on more Gonal F this time around. Lord give me STRENGTH.

Back from CD3 Ultrasound

2011-10-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Eight eggies on the right, six on the left. They upped my starting dose of Gonal F slightly to 412.5, They've also switched to injecting menopur and Gonal F in the PM (not sure why). So I start tomorrow. No blood draw until Monday. I've decided not to go to Portland, because a) I won't have my meds in time, and b) I feel like I might be coming down with a cold.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend.

Meds Ordered

2011-10-19T18:07:00.000-07:00

It's strange how things can fast-forward. My usual posting about waiting for my period in order to magically get my period to start has worked, changing today into CD1 faster than you can say In-Vitro-Fertilization. I just got off the phone with my friends at Freedom Pharmacy; I'm an old pro at med orders by now; my MD office filled my progesterone in Oil with the one that I'm allergic to, so they are having to call to get a new order for the one that (at least for now) I'm not allergic to. Other than that, my meds are good to go, exception being the Saizen, which isn't covered, that I'll get at the pharmacy at my Doctor's office to the tune of $1100.00.

By the way, I still have a discolored area about 4 inches on my arse from that damned Progesterone in Peanut Oil. Shouldn't that have gone away by now?

I was supposed to go out of town this weekend, but I'm going to need to get an E2 drawn on Sunday for sure. My Nurse was going to talk to Dr. R about having that done at another fertility clinic there (they do not trust Lab Corp to do it and call them with the results, what a surprise). But honestly, I don't think that I'm going to go. On Monday I attempted to do a "quick day trip" to Santa Barbara for work, and ended up having a 20 hour day fraught with travel delays and cancellations. I spent the night at the Marriott LAX, checking in around midnight, getting up to catch my connecting flight home at 5AM. Long story short: I'm sick of airports. My meds won't be here until sometime on Friday. I don't want to futz around with finding a fertility clinic in Portland. So I'm not going.

I was supposed to see one of my good friends who I wrote about recently not being the most understanding person in the world regarding infertility. I told her today before I spoke with the doctor's office that there was a 50/50 chance I wasn't going to be able to make it, and she kept talking like I had instead said "I can't wait for us to go to Cheesecake Factory". I probably should never have scheduled the trip in the first place, but I did, thinking I'd be able to go before all of this started. I'm just commiserating for a minute because I'm not going to allow myself to go into full guilt mode over this-I need to be in a positive, calm, mindset, effective immediately.

I've started feeling scared again. Out of control. Reluctant. I know that's not productive. What is the real bummer is that this has replaced the feelings of excitement I used to have around cycling. I'm trying to think of some good things here: Ten eggs were retrieved last time around, of the eight that fertilized, 4 made it to day 5. That's great for an old geezer like me. My endometritis is treated, and gone. So that shouldn't be impacting any embryo transferred. I made it through the last cycle, and the cycle before that, even though they were perhaps in the top 3 worst thing that I've gone through in life. I've got my sense of humor back. I haven't gained any (more) weight. I can afford most of these co-pays and non-covered meds. Oh, and my insurance deductible is FINALLY met (how is it that it's taken two cycles plus endometritis plus my usual healthcare stuff to get me to that point?).

I'm busy at work, but manageable and actually to a point where it's distracting. Now I just have to get to that cocoon where I sleep enough, eat right, and don't go into histrionic meltdowns when the hormones kick in. Here's hoping I can accomplish all that.

Please let this work this time. PLEASE.

The ironies of infertility

2011-10-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

The birth control pills have worked a little too well. Took my last one on Sunday, now just waiting...for my period to start. Tomorrow is supposed to be my day 3 appointment. Needless to say, that's not happening. What it's looking like now is that my day 2-3 appointment will be sometime this weekend; I was hoping to be out of town, but I might as well face facts and cancel that trip.

The news of Guliana Rancic has bothered me. I like her and watch her on E! and her reality show and have read her books, and relate to what she's been through, and appreciate what she's done to be open and honest about what she's gone through with infertility. I'm hoping for the best for her, and a successful outcome in her fight against breast cancer. BTW, when is the last time you had a mammogram? I actually missed mine a month ago (bad, bad, BAD). Needless to say I'm going to ask my RE (who has never mentioned getting this done, BTW) at my day 3, whenever that is.

We went to the Bill Clinton Foundation Concert in LA over the weekend. It was great fun, a beautiful night-one of my all time favorite artists, Stevie Wonder, opened the show. That, with Lady Gaga, Usher, Juanes, and K'naan, made for an awesome experience. Met up with my friend Jack on Sunday for some delicious Korean BBQ. Love spending time in LA, but makes me appreciate laid back San Diego even more.

A funny thing happened on my way to IVF #3

2011-10-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

I forgot that I was getting ready to start stims! In a week!

I don't know how or why, but over the last few weeks, I've gotten "me" back. Yes, I'm taking birth control and testosterone gel. But the fact that I'll be done with that in oh, 2 days has been lost on me. Instead I've been working hard, entertaining weekend guests, catching up with friends I haven't corresponded with, and other stuff that you do when you're not obsessed with getting pregnant.

I'm thinking mostly this is a good thing, because I am not the least bit nervous. Instead I feel like I'm in High School, and have a test coming up that I haven't studied for, but I know it enough to feel comfortable winging it. Maybe I should feel like the kid that has flunked English twice and learned a little bit each time, and thinks this is surely the time that I'll pass.

It sure is nice not to be worrying. But a part of me feels like I should be more focused on what's getting ready to happen. I'm enjoying being in that place where my two failed IVFs don't bother me so much; they seem very far away. I look at my picture of the ultrasound after the last embryo transfer, at that little white spot of potential, to try to get me back into the swing of things. But I feel that the best approach this time around is not to let this take over my life again. I don't know if that's my ego talking, wanting to continue living the pre-infertility lifestyle. Or if this is my way of protecting myself. It's tough, getting close to what possibly could be the end of the road for me. But I try to remain confident, and most importantly calm, because I know that being stressed out in the past hasn't served me. But I will start blogging more, hoping that this will at least bring me back into the focus I need to start cycling again.

Quick question for anyone that may still be reading, that's gone through IVF: I may have to travel next weekend. That will hypothetically be when I start my injectables. And would possibly be scheduled for my first e2 level. Can I get out of traveling? Yes. I prefer not to though if I can. Here's the situation: My day 3 should be Thursday, with my stim's starting on Friday. Friday is when I would leave. My first e2 would be Sunday; which is when I would get back, most likely after my MD office closes. First question: is this in any way viable, to travel with stim meds and needing an e2 level that day? Second question: will my MD office order my meds early if this is at all possible? Has anyone traveled before with stims-specifically air travel; wondering if I need anything special to get through security?

Getting my life back

2011-10-05T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've turned a corner-I don't know what happened, things just feel better. So I've got two weeks until stims start, somewhere, for me again. So I'm going to rock the shit out of this window of opportunity.

First, a dear friend of mine, Carol, called me today. She's someone that I've distanced myself from during the IVF months. Why? Well, first, I'm jealous. Carol is the mother, well more like older sister, that I always wanted. She's very, very nurturing, and maternal. She has two boys, in their early 30s, she's excited for them to have kids so she can be a grandmother. She does fun things, all of the time-case in point, she just got back from a Mediterranean cruise to Turkey. She's been married for a long, long time, and it still works. She's basically what you'd want when you're at that place in your life. It's perfect. I don't have it. I want it.

She's done a lot for me, and we've shared some great times. But when I started doing IVF, and really, after my first IVF that was a bust, we hit a rough patch. She kept calling me and emailing me, telling me to call her-I was going through a lot, and I wasn't my usual responsive self; she also wasn't calling to hear how I'm doing, but talk about her last vacation, gossip about mutual friends, and talk about what she just bought at Chico's on sale. We finally connected when I found out that the one egg retrieved didn't fertilize, then did, then didn't grow. I had been through the wringer, and I wanted, needed a friend. She was walking out the door on her way to Vegas for vacation and couldn't talk.

That pissed me off.

I've been avoiding her since, really a mature way to handle things. She's called and called-I didn't pick up. The thing is, the dynamic of our relationship is great, as long as things are great. She can be very high maintenance, but in a good way; when you think about all of those things you do with friends when things are good-we did them, and then some. But I just kind of felt like she was keeping me at a distance when the chips were down, and I wasn't ready to put all of my pain on the back burner to go with her to the Fashion District in LA for the day and then dinner at so and so's in Pasadena when she was in town.

Honestly, when things are good, it's great with her. She's helped me find a job when I was laid off. She's had me stay with her numerous times, we've been to Italy together. And honestly, I want to forgive her, because who does cope with fertility appropriately? And I guess now I know the limitations of our friendship.

So we now know she's not the greatest/most supportive when it comes to the infertility. But in other areas, she shines. And in a weird twist, I've decided to go with that. Actually, I could afford NOT to moan about infertility for a change. We talked today, and I think it's better. She actually listened when I told her what had gone on-the second IVF, the endometritis, etc. That's a start. But I now know she's not able to listen to me when I'm at my worst. And unlike the jerks I work with, I'm willing to give her a pass on that, mainly because in other ways, she's been a good friend to me.

I think that forgiving her, or maybe I should say accepting her support limitations, makes me feel better. So I'm going up there to see her in Portland the weekend of the 20th, before stims. I need a friend, even if she doesn't do well with the IVF stories. And she's menopausal, so I know she won't be announcing her pregnancy to me anytime soon.

I received a quote today from Dr. B's office for what the costs would be with my out of network co-pay. It's not good. I'd basically be on the hook for $9K, and the out of network co-pay would only be 2K. Oh, and they would need a 2K deposit ASAP. And it would count towards my 2 remaining insurance pays for IVF, even though it's out of network. That doesn't count medication, or anesthesia services. So I have some thinking to do. I might be able to just write it off on taxes, but even then, I'm not sure I'm ready to absorb 9K plus. But this is an important decision. But I do have remaining cycles that insurance will pay for (well, sort of-but definitely more than 9K worth). I'm leaning towards just going ahead with this cycle and staying put at Dr. R's, and weighing my options if that doesn't work. But I'm not sure, so I'm thinking about it. But need to decide. If you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it!

Today I remembered a great blog that I used to peruse before I become Infertile-obsessed that the author had stopped writing on, mainly because of negative nasty comments (which is really weird, as it's an interior design blog. Seriously,what could there be to fight about?!). Haven't been to the site in over a year; remembered it today and thought I'd just go over to check-and lo and behold, she's back! Check out this great blog on home decor and snarkiness if you are interested. Now, if only this one would come back!

The Business of Getting Pregnant

2011-10-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

I had my consult with 3rd RE yesterday; let's call him Dr. B. I arrived at the office, he came out and brought me back to his office where basically we just chatted. My medical records had not arrived yet, so the consult, well, I don't want to say it was a bust but he was basically going off of what I could tell him. We talked about what I had done so far; he agreed that me doing 4 IUIs was a complete waste of time.We talked about the IVFs, and he basically said IVF #1 was a complete fail, and I shouldn't even really count that in terms of my abilities to successfully achieve a pregnancy. Then we talked about IVF #2, how it had gone better, I had ten eggs retrieved, eight fertilized, six at day 3, 4 at day 5, 3 transferred, 1 frozen. He said that he thought that maybe they went in a bit early and he might have considered waiting another day (I'm not going to read too much into that, as we're going with my version of the story and not my actual records). But he said that the fact that at 43, I had that many eggs, that many make it to day 5, and that many to transfer and actually one to freeze is encouraging.

He spent some time talking about Rob's known low motility/borderline morphology issues; mentioned possibly doing a sperm fragmentation test on him. I just quickly looked that up and to me I'm almost of the mindset of "why bother" since nothing can be done about it. He has not had that done, but Dr. B says that the business of RE can get very region specific, and that he never sees anyone doing fragmentation tests in San Diego but it's very common in Orange County. He also mentioned that in terms of my protocol, he probably wouldn't use Saizen (which is expen$ive, so fine with me) because there have been limited studies with growth hormone that show questionable results. He also indicated that everyone kind of has their own way of doing things, some things based on very valid research findings, where some approaches or meds may be more cutting edge or not as proven. And in general, the REs don't really share their approaches widely with one another, but may develop location specific practices over time.

My therapist had mentioned something about how secretive the practice of RE can be; they don't always collaborate or share approaches and many times tweak or customize in ways that are very specific to their own practice. I find this to be a little weird; every specialty I've worked in relies upon shared knowledge, but I do have to say that I agree this may be happening. Obviously we all have different situations, but the focus on success rates, etc. makes me wonder about the competitive aspect of all of this. In my most paranoid moments I've felt a bit like persona non grata, the old lady who brings down success rates. While I do think that may be a tad irrational, I do wish that REs would be a little more transparent with what works and what doesn't amongst each other, and amongst patients. Because I seem to get too much disparities in opinions among the now 3 providers I've been to-it's just unsettling.

We talked a little bit about how due to my age, the genetic factor becomes an issue, and the genetic testing option, where they remove a cell to test to determine which eggs are genetically viable. Again, I'm of the mindset of "why bother" in that mother nature will obviously take care of that if abnormality is the case. I guess you would know if implantation versus genetics is the issue, but taking that cell can be risky to the embryo in and of itself. We talked about my endometritis, and my repeat biopsy there. He really didn't say much on that, and I didn't expect him to, since I believe that this most likely resulted from less than sterile techniques with either my IUIs, or egg retrievals.

Turns out that he knows my current RE-he may have been an attending MD while she was a fellow at UCLA or something like that. He asked me about how I found myself at his office and I was very straightforward. I said that he had been recommended by my therapist and one of my friends. I had been through a lot, and I knew that I was approaching the end of the road, and either needed to be pregnant or stop trying soon. I mentioned that I felt like my last two experiences were a little too much trial and error with the difficult retrieval and overall bad outcome of IVF #1, and the endometritis found at my own request for biopsy after such a great result but no pregnancy with IVF #2. For me, I want to know that I've done everything I can to get pregnant at the end of this, baby or not. And while I understand that there is an element of discovery and personalized approach to all of this, and risks are always a part of things, I can't allow for more uncertain approaches or "oops" moments with my treatment strategy or care, and the time to figure out what may be preventing me from getting pregnant needs to be over, and the business of getting me pregnant needs to be the focus.

And that, my friends, may have been the most clear and insightful moment I've had about this infertility shit thus far.

If I do change, I would insist upon is the following:

Any remaining "what ifs" be addressed before start of next cycle; tests, diagnostics, etc. need to be taken care of NOW, not as we get started with another uh-oh coming about that delays my treatment.
I need my Dr. to start taking care of me-thinking about my case, not just writing off my not getting pregnant to old eggs or bad sperm. Part of my current anxiety is always feeling like I have to be the clinician, the Quality Control person; and the endometritis thing, me suggesting testing, it coming back positive, has kicked that anxiety into overdrive. Obviously I want to be involved in my care, I'm too much of a control freak not to be. But I don't need to be the physician, or the nurse; my care providers do.
The financials of care under Dr. B would need to be spelled out in detail, since I'd be doing more out of pocket. I don't want any surprises-if I'm going to spend yet another bonus on having a baby, I just need to know it. And while that tends to happen anyhow, I just want to make sure it's not MORE than what I think I'm on the hook for. Because as of today, I've officially spent about 27K on having a baby-and that's with insurance "coverage".
I'd have to be assigned the most experienced nurse they have; I won't spend my time any more on dealing with people that aren't responsive, talk down to me, or just call and say "I'm sorry-you're not pregnant." and have nothing else to say. I know I'm high maintenance, but I don't think any of us deserve that. I should not have to be the one calling my insurance and arguing over meds. If I want my nurse to order me two more Gonal-F pens than last time, it shouldn't be an act of congress. Unfortunately, I am a nurse, and at this point, as narcissistic as it sounds, I probably do know as much as they do. So whoever is assigned to me better be ready to deal with that-oh, and do their job.

I am glad I went. Right now I think it's the financials that are the biggest reason I'm hesitating; but I can afford it. I do want to take a day or so to really marinate in my decision, because it's important. But I do feel more positive about things overall.

Indecisiveness

2011-10-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had another therapy appointment-my therapist (henceforth known as Dr. K) did a lot of talking, and it was mainly reinforcing the same stuff-that people are uneducated about infertility, and therefore will say things that aren't always supportive or beneficial, but that doesn't mean that they don't care and that I shouldn't shut myself off from people just because I don't really benefit from their support.

Which, I don't really agree with.

Sometimes supporting myself, as dysfunctional as that may be, is less damaging or dysfunctional then the "support" I receive from other people. That includes Robert, a lot of the time. Dr. K and I spent some time talking about how as time has gone on, I rely on him less and less for support, even though things have clearly gotten more difficult to deal with. The reason? Because he just wants to "fix" it-and if I knew how to fix not having a baby, or he did, we wouldn't be in this predicament. So the advice was to structure time into our week where I talk for a certain amount of time about what's bugging me or what's on my mind, and he listens-doesn't fix. I think I can do that.

I spent a lot of time talking and crying about something that happened at work yesterday. Pre-endometritis, I thought my retrieval would be somewhere around the second or third week of October, latest. I told my manager I would need that time off, and as such, would be missing our user group meeting. I arranged for other people to cover the responsibilities I was to have, but contributed to developing content, material, etc. Now that I had to deal with the endometritis, my retrieval is set for November 1. So I informed him that now I could make the user group if he needed me to, but I would most likely miss a meeting at a customer that was being held with other members of my company. He said OK and he would let me know about the user group and if I needed to attend.

Well my work BFF calls me yesterday AM. She is also missing the user group because it's a) her birthday and b) she is going to a friend's wedding overseas. Apparently our manager told her "Well you and Kelly really planned this out well. I hope that you both enjoy your time off-you have no idea how much this has inconvenienced everyone."

Seriously?

Needless to say I'm incensed about this. I basically walked into my therapist's office crying about it. I did not "plan" to not be pregnant by the time of the user group. I also did not "plan" to have endometritis and have my schedule pushed back even more. And here I thought my manager was understanding and compassionate, when actually he thinks I'm using my IVF to get out of a meeting that, quite frankly, all of us don't need to be attending anyhow. And let's not even start on the fact that aside from the time (ie 2 days total) I've taken off for my egg retrievals, I've literally taken 3 days vacation this year-one of which I actually spent traveling from vacation to a work meeting.

This is what I mean by being vulnerable to people and relying on them for support isn't worth the trouble, or the disappointment, or the anger.

It is very, very difficult to work in this environment and go through infertility treatments. People throwing me under the bus because I might not be available for week long travel during stims, my manager requesting to know as soon as possible when I need to be off, and now him acting under the auspices that this is such an inconvenience to other members of my team (who quite frankly do not travel nor work as much as I do in the first place; also, I've done twice as much as any of them for the last two user groups, so respectfully, they can all Piss Off). Dr. K said that sometimes people say things flippantly and don't really understand or appreciate what's going on in the background, and that anger that's held onto just hurts me. While I can appreciate this, how do I get past this with my manager? As time goes on, it's harder and harder to overlook people's inability to appreciate how difficult this stuff is, the things that they say meant to help but only hurt, and then just blatant, stupid assumptions that I'm doing IVF only to get out of doing a meeting I don't want to do.

Sigh. Reliving this on the blog is just another negative post, but I'm hoping by purging this I can just let it go and move on to being calm and relaxed during this cycle.

One final thing about my appointment; I'd totally forgotten about scheduling my consult for another opinion, which is next week. Dr. K really, really wants me to do this. Even though I scheduled the appointment a month ago, I was in fact leaning towards not doing it. Yesterday I filled out thirteen pages of history for the consult-reliving all that I've been through is discouraging at best. I basically had to force myself to keep going, to fill out the page, find my determination, and go to the next page. And then, the next. I know I need to do this, even if it's just to make the decision to stay with my current RE. But this stuff is starting to feel like when you are running a marathon-and you're on mile 22, and you're legs are moving, but you don't know how. And your feet and knees hurt, but you can't stop. It's just about will and perseverance at this point.

I'm a bit fearful that a consult will introduce more doubt into an already confusing situation, not just about my current RE, or even the cycle that I've just started, but to the whole process. Sometimes I can become paralyzed by indecisiveness, not knowing which way to go, I go nowhere. Obviously, that's not an option, but I need to tell someone that, even if it's my Bloggy Friends. This consult guy also doesn't accept my insurance, which there are out of network options, and that deductible requirement would probably be hit quickly. My thought is just to hear him out, and if I need to go to cycle # 4, consider going to him instead, which would put me in next year.

So much to consider, so much at stake. So much peripheral BS going on, that I wish I could just turn off.

Here we go

2011-09-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

Got my calendar today-egg retrieval tentatively scheduled for November 1.

I'm calm, although I wouldn't say I'm excited. I'm determined. This one needs to work. Please let this one work.

Hiya from Switzerland

2011-09-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hi gang. How goes it?

It's 6AM here in Basel. I've been awake since 1AM, despite taking 2 sleeping pills, which did nothing. Hectic travel day yesterday-was it in fact yesterday? I don't know anymore. I did sleep some on my flight from LAX to Frankfurt-took the remaining valium from the embryo transfer that didn't happen. I have to teach a class today, and I'm just hoping that I can stay awake and make some sort of sense until 1-2PM, becaues of course even though I was wide awake all night, I'm starting to feel it now. I'm not 100% sure about the location where I'm going today either; it's very close by where I'm staying, but you know how it is when you're in a new, strange place. Sometimes too I have more problems finding places in close proximity than I do when they are miles away. The people onsite at the client have not been the most helpful either in terms of logistics, so I'm also hoping that I find the place and get there on time. Once I'm done, I'm planning on coming back to the hotel, grabbing lunch, and then going to sleep; if I wake up, maybe I'll grab dinner (another thing-I feel like a stuffed sausage because I've basically eaten nothing but meat and cheese, and chocolate, and ice cream), and then going to try to go back to sleep, as the first leg of my flight tomorrow is at 6AM. At this point, I just need sleep, regardless of when that actually happens. I should seriously just try to stay on California time at this point.

There is a chocolate shop just down the street that I do hope to go to and grab some scrumptuous goodies from to take home. I also went to the ATM yesterday when I landed in Frankfurt, because I felt sick to my stomach and had to have a Coke, which I never, ever drink, but that's the only thing I thought would calm my stomach. So in my sleep deprived stupor, I withdrew 200 Euros...for a 3 euro coke (which was literally 2 litres-seriously, who needs that much Coke? In an airport?). Since the exchange rate is crap right now, I'll be spending that in duty free. If only they sold Saizen and Gonal-F in duty free....or valium.

Other than that, I've been running and pilates and zumbaing, and traveling. I've survived September, the month of 4 presentations, trips for work to the east coast (which went really well) and if I can just get on that plane tomorrow, to the EU. Right now what I'm trying to get to is the weekend, where I can go for a run on the beach, grab lunch at our favorite mexican cafe afterwords (and cancel out any exercise benefit), the go home and lounge on my back patio with Rob and the dogs, read and snooze, and watch for hummingbirds as well as our new "pet", Gordon, the gekko (not really a pet-but a lizard that suns himself in the afternoon on the bricks of the patio. Rob named him-nod to "Wall Street"). It may sound boring, but that's my idea of heaven on earth.

I think I'm ready for another round of IVF. I'm not really excited, but I'm not dreading it or really feeling negative as I have been about it. It seems like it's been a long time since the last go round, even though it's only been a couple of months. In a way, I feel better poised for success; I know what I'm going to go through, I know the doses that worked, I know that I can produce eggs that can fertilize into decent embryos. I know that endometritis won't cause any problems with implantation. I think that those two factors-finding a dose that worked, and implanting decent embryos in a hostile environment were major reasons as to why the last two rounds that weren't successful. But I also know that it's all about chance and finding that right egg. I'm basically hoping for the best, but prepping for the worst at the same time. I don't mean that in a negative way, but there's a certain survival element to this at this point. I just feel calm knowing so much more than I did, and actually feel better poised than ever to face this IVF 3rd time around (or is that 3d time is a charm?).

I have a second (third) opinion consult scheduled for October 3, which most likely I will have started my next cycle by then with my current RE-the consult guy couldn't get me in sooner. It's with a Doctor in Southern California that is very well regarded, but now I'm having doubts about whether I want to do that at this time. Mainly because I don't want to second guess this cycle if he tells me something that goes against what I'm doing. I may go ahead with the consult, and then just consider him if I need a 4th, because a) my deductible will be reset at the beginning of the year anyhow and 2) this guy isn't covered by my insurance, so I'd basically have to hit my deductable before anything was covered. But then I think about how bad a month or so ago I was doubting my RE, and wonder if I'm just being complacent. Well, I'll have plenty of time to over-analyze this on the plane home.

And on that note, I'm going togo get ready and start spackling on the concealer, as I look like a zombie. Hope you are all well-my thoughts and well wishes are with all of you.

PS-please forgive any typos or confusing verbiage. After all, I've slept about 8 hours in the last two days and blogger is spell-checking this in German.

Endometritis Update

2011-09-23T13:47:00.001-07:00

Repeat Biopsy is back-it's negative, thankfully. So I'm a go for this next cycle. Now please keep your fingers crossed that my period doesn't start while I'm in the EU next week and I miss my day 3 appointment-could possibly have to set out ANOTHER month.

Hi ICLW-September Edition

2011-09-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Hi there, thanks for stopping by Team Baby, where it takes a village to have a baby-the hard way. The very, very, VERY hard way.

I'm Kelly, and I'm infertile. Other than being old (43), and testing positive for endometritis (not endometriosis) that hopefully has been successfully treated with a round of serious antibiotics, we really don't know why. I've been through 4 IUIs, and 2 IVFs in the year I've been treated for infertility. My first IVF only resulted in one egg that was retrieved, that didn't grow at 2 days, but grew at 3, and then stalled on day 4, so never transferred that one. Second IVF went much better, retrieved ten eggs, fertilized six, transferred 3, froze 1. None of the 3 took, but apparently II probably had endometritis, which hopefully was the causative factor there.

I've been sidelined for a little longer than usual between IVF #2 and #3, which has given me a lot of time to think, which in turn has caused me to question if this will ever work, if I was meant to be a mom, if I trust my RE, and if I have the emotional strength to continue this. I've started seeing a therapist that specializes in Infertility to sort through some of this-although I have to say I usually end up more upset after a session about the whole dilemma than at a resolution of any sorts, but sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. What I try to remember is when I first started this, I told myself that even if I never became pregnant, I needed to look back on this and know that I did everything I could to try to make this happen. So with that thought in mind, I'm trying to boost my determination and not lose sight of the hope that gets me through this, so I can start another round next month.

I always ask my readers some questions so that I can get to know you better, as I'm interested in your stories and journeys most of all. If you're new to the blog, please feel free to peruse my older posts, and feel free to follow along if you like. I answer the questions at the end of ICLW week, so here is this month's round:

1) For my US readers, how many states have you been to? For my international readers, how many countries have you been to? And for both, what state or country would you like to go to next?

2) Have you ever wanted to have a test done related to infertility, and your MD wasn't so sure about the need or purpose? If so, how did you discuss it? Did you press the issue? And was the procedure or test done?

3) Are you dressing up for Halloween this year? If so, what is your costume going to be?

4) Can you recommend a good book for a long, LONG Flight?

The past, the present, and irrational thoughts

2011-09-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

Work is kicking my arse lately. Not so much in a good, challenging way; more in a competing priorities, everyone wants me to do something for them, I can't keep up with deadlines sort of manner. This month I've had to do a conference presentation, webinar, lunch and learn, or abstract submission at least once a week. I have a presentation on Monday that, quite honestly, I haven't even looked at yet. These topics are on completely different topics that are not interchangeable. These kinds of things are a part of my job; so I know that I have to do them. What can really get me wound up is that our marketing group is supposed to find these activities for us; but if they don't, we are supposed to find our own.

Guess who has had to find about eighty percent of her own presentations, publications, customer outreach opportunities, etc. ? Yep.

And mostly, that is fine, because I can customize it to what I want to talk about, which for me is more about patient or specific disease trends related related to clinical research. What does annoy me is that all of mine have hit this month-marketing realized at some point that they didn't have me doing anything for them, so in addition to the presentations that I've set up or put together for professional groups, they last minute decide I need to also do X, Y, or Z presentations or abstract submissions. What incenses me is that I'm busting my rear to do this stuff, and deal with my other job responsibilities, and travel ridiculous amounts, marketing sends out company-wide emails announcing that one of my peers is presenting at another conference, making it sound like the second coming of a certain Deity. And what do they do to announce/promote mine? Zip, nada, zero, mainly because they didn't set them up, so it's not a chance to toot their own horn, and mine along with it.

Typically this stuff doesn't bother me. I tend to keep my nose down/out of the fray and just do my job and let those that need the ego stroking get the glory. But you know how sometimes you just reach your limit on the ridiculousness, favoritism, lack of assistance that can happen at work? Yep, I'm there.

And speaking of travel, after this presentation is done on Monday, I get on a plane and travel for six hours to the east coast for a potential customer presentation. This customer happens to be a company that I've worked at in the past, that laid me off a few years ago, and even more ironic, I actually interviewed with the group that we're presenting to about six months ago. Awkward, but manageable. Another minor annoyance, that I'm one of a few members of my group that a) travels, and b) travels in my assigned region but also cross country, while most of them work from home or travel locally . I don't want to say it, but I can't help to ignore it any longer: most of the people not traveling much/at all have kids. Do I think I'm being saddled with this stuff because I don't have kids? Absolutely.

So I get home next Friday from the east coast, and then two days later, get on another plane, this time to Europe. Not for a vacation. Normally, this would be exciting, but three things are in my way about this trip; 1) I'm having to travel again, a ridiculous distance, without having caught my breath from the latest trips or the workload this month; 2) that I'm going to have to put my dogs in with a boarder because Rob will be gone on business travel as well; and 3)well, 3 is going to require a separate paragraph or two. I'll go ahead and issue the disclaimer that I post my innermost thoughts and opinion on this blog, and it's not always rational, mature, or accurate thoughts. But it's my blog, and that's what I say it's here for!

Number 3 is that the country and city that I'm traveling to is where my ex lives. The one that I dated for ten years (during the time that I should have had a baby in). The ex that despite telling me he wasn't the marrying kind, has managed to get married and have a baby. I realize that Europe or even this country is a big place, but in my mind, I'm mildly panicked at the possibility that I could run into him. Just hearing that I have to go to this city has brought back all of the emotions that I had about him, our relationship, and how even though he's nearly ten years older than me, has a baby. Those are the rational thoughts. The immature thoughts are the resentments that I've had towards him about a number of things, the biggest being how it's so unfair that this jerk is a father, and that I might literally stroke out if I run into him, let alone him and his wife and his baby. So all of this; work, travel, and travel to the last place in the world I want to go is on my mind, and heavy on my heart too.

On that note, I'm going to kiss Robert and go to Zumba. It can't be as bad as I'm making it, I just needed to get it off of my chest.

Sometimes the right things happen

2011-09-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

I had my repeat endometrial biopsy yesterday. It wasn't pleasant. First, I was having some really uncomfortable pains in my left side about 30 minutes before the procedure. Dr. R did an ultrasound of my left ovary-no cyst or anything, lots of follicles. Some discussion about my fibroids possibly growing, but she doesn't think that's to worry about because we just did a saline histogram before the initial endometrial biopsy.

The biopsy was difficult. It was very hard for Dr. R to get the catheter into my cervix. We tried once, no luck. Filled up my bladder. Tried again. No luck, new catheter. She tried again, and it didn't work. She started talking about the clamp, and I basically had a meltdown. I had "the clamp" for my IUIs, and it was a very, very memorable experience in a bad way. I told her to please try again but that I could not do the clamp. She managed to get it in, the biopsy was more painful than the last, but it's done, thank God.

I guess that I had an "aha!" moment yesterday-that I'm reaching my limit. I still intend to do my next cycle, and am still going to get another opinion. I've just had a clarity of sorts in terms of of what I will and won't go through anymore. My soul is starting to tell me in a way that I can hear and understand "you've just about had enough". Whether "enough" is getting pregnant, and moving on to that adventure, or knowing I've done what I can do to make this happen, and it not happening, and moving on to a different life and dreams without children, I just feel like I'm approaching that crossroad. And I guess what is comforting about it is that I'm OK to be getting there, mainly because I just don't have much more in me to undergo some of these invasive, uncomfortable, and unfruitful procedures such as, pardon my french, shit like cervical clamping. I'm just reaching the end of the IVF road, and what I force myself do in support of that. And it's a relief, really. That probably doesn't make sense, but it's a sense of calm that I haven't had for a long time about all of this infertility stuff. And while an outcome without a baby will be sad, and difficult, and unfair, it will be right. Right for my fate, right for where I've been, and the right that God intended. Just as getting pregnant would be if that is how things pan out.

I'm not quitting; I'm just prepared to accept that this is coming to an end, and I'm about done with the endless exams, doctor visits, medication side effects, sleepless nights, expenses, worry, and the whole lot of it. Something else needs to happen here.

On a completely different topic, I was flipping channels last night and came across "America's Got Talent". I've never watched it-and it's not something that I would ordinarily watch (I tend to poison my mind with any given Bravo reality show series, or E! or TLC if need be). I watched several acts, and thought "that guy Landau deserves to win, but one of those dance troupes will, because that's the way people vote."

Turns out Landau won. I found out on Facebook this am, as so many friends were posting about it. Turns out that Landau is from a town about ten miles from where I was born and grew up. It is a poor area, with not a lot of opportunity or jobs. But to say I'm happy for this ending, for the right guy to win, who is so talented, and humble, is an understatement.

Check out the video of his audition-what a talented man.

Tick Tock

2011-09-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. I was trying not to write about it, because I've been so down in the dumps lately, and I'm sure that gets tiring to read about doldrums and sadness over and over again after a while. I could pretend that I didn't know what was wrong, but the truth of the matter is that I'm freaking out about being 43 years old. And having even older old eggs. I'm officially out of any of the the age range categories that RE offices use to categorize age groups for success rate reporting. Yes, I'm seven years shy of 50. That's probably older than anyone that reads my blog. My RE says not to worry, we know what we're dealing with on the egg front, we have a protocol that seems to work. Now we just have to find the right egg.

But I worry, of course. No one ever told me that I should get pregnant before I was 35; somehow, I landed in that purgatory between the American College of Obstetricians taking the "don't worry about it-age ain't nothing but a number" stance and the mass panic broadcast that doctors spew now about your fertility and a cliff and turning 35. I never even got the speech until two years ago; when it did finally come calling, I laughed and waited another year before it dawned on me that I may be too old to be pregnant. Ha. Ha. Ha.

When you get old, which I now officially am, some birthdays are easier than others. For some reason, 36 was a birthday that was rough-not 30, not 40. 43 has been another one of those freak out birthdays; something in my mind is equating it to some passage that I can't quite articulate, other than I'm even more panicked than I was previously about not being able to have a baby. I've been teary most of the day, because of the infertility stuff, because I feel so out of control, because I'm running out of options to have my own baby, because biologically, I'm not young, and I'm not Benjamin Button. It hasn't helped that my family has kind of dismissed my birthday; my mother emailed me, and told me happy birthday, and that she had forgot (seriously, how does that happen?); my Dad and Sister left me messages at 6AM my time, which is basically when they call when they want to tell me something, but not talk to me. How's that for dysfunction? It's really nothing out of the ordinary, in fact, their behavior is pretty much how it unfolds every year; this year, like I said, is harder than others.

Don't get me wrong; when your family is less than appropriate, you typically will build a family of friends that are with you through thick or thin, and that has definitely been the case today. Rob gave me these beautiful gold bangle bracelets with jade and turquoise embossed in them; his mom sent me flowers with a balloon, a gift card, and a birthday card that plays the chicken dance when you open it (this made my day, honestly). One of my BFFs sent me a very sweet yet tear inducing card, thanking me for being a good friend. I've received so many calls and cards and facebook posts today from other friends, old and new, which is also tear inducing, but from a place that is just so grateful to have such thoughtful people in my life. Most of them do not know, or know to the full extent what I've been going through; it just goes to show you how much something as little as telling someone important to you that you are thinking of them goes, because you never really know what challenges they may be facing, and how much such a little gesture can mean.

The good news is that even if my eggs are expired, people tell me that I don't look 43. And if this infertility stuff doesn't work, I can go back to the botox (trying to have a sense of humor here. Although I will seriously go back to the botox as soon as I can).

All that I never wanted to know about endometritis, IVF, and Levaquin

2011-09-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

At my last WTF appointment following failed IVF #2, I asked Dr. R about implantation failure, since the quality of my embryos were good-fair. I suggested endometrial biopsy, mainly because I had read in the medical literature that it triggered a process of healing that improved implantation rates. She agreed to perform the biopsy, both of us approaching the idea more from a trigger the healing/improving implantation perspective than a what if the results are positive one-she actually told me that she rarely has seen it in her practice here, even though she did see it in her fellowship program at UCLA between 30-40% of the time, but varies in the general population for women of childbearing age has been reported to vary widely, from 0.8 to 19 percent.

The biopsy was performed and about a week later, the results came back in, and were positive. I was surprised. What I had read about endometritis was that it's typically associated with STDs, or after deliveries, particularly Cesarean Sections. Having not had either (and having had cultures done for gonorrhea and chlamydia prior to beginning to conceive a year ago that were negative), I was a bit stumped. What is endometritis anyhow? Basically, it's an inflammation of the endometrial lining of the uterus. I'm not sure how I acquired it, but it might be because of the 4 IUIs, 2 egg retrievals, 2 hysterosonograms, and/or one embryo transfer I've had over the past year (there is an increased risk if any medical procedure is performed that involves entering the uterus through the cervix. Also, normal vaginal flora can cause this).

As previously mentioned, STDs can also cause endometritis, as can bacterial vaginosis and mycoplasma (I intend to ask my RE to repeat cultures for all of these at the time she performs my repeat biopsy). Women who have structure abnormalities such as polyps and fibroids are also more likely to have endometritis. Symptoms of endometritis include fever, heavy bleeding, abdominal pain, abnormal discharge, difficulty urinating, and general malaise. In it's most serious form, it can be mistaken for appendicitis, Pyelonephritis (kidney infection), or a Urinary Tract Infection. It is not uncommon for women to not have any symptoms associated with this condition.

For me, the things that I've experienced (along with having a fibroid not in the uterine cavity) are heavy bleeding with periods, abdominal cramping (nothing major enough for me to complain about it) and general malaise. But who of us going through infertility have not experienced this from time to time? I have not had a fever. I will say that after my second IVF, when I had to urinate prior to leaving I had major cramps that felt like I had a UTI when I attempted to go, which the Dr. attributed to some betadine possibly getting into my bladder while prepping me for the procedure.The literature review reports that most women with endometritis will have had one or more symptoms for greater than 1 month, but less than one year. While I had the symptoms, I would say that none of the symptoms alone or all of them collectively would have warranted me being suspicious that something was up on my own.

Other interesting information regarding endometritis include women between the ages of 31-50 are more likely to experience this condition, as are women who have been taking hormones (including birth control pills; note this correlation is not very strong, but does exist). One report in the literature reported that birth control pill use was more likely to mask symptoms of endometritis. I have not used birth control pills for contraception for probably about 5-6 years (after I turned 35), but I have used them during my IVF cycles as prescribed as part of my IVF protocol.

Endometritis is diagnosed through a biopsy. For me, I experienced moderate discomfort when they were collecting the specimen, about the same level of discomfort that I had with a hystosalpingogram. It took about a week for the results to come back.

How can endometritis impact fertility? It can influence the function of sperm and implantation of embryos. Sperm may die or be immobilized in cervical mucus if endometritis is present. Endometritis can also influence sperm's ability to travel through to the fallopian tubes, thus hindering fertilization. If fertilization does take place, the embryo may have trouble getting through the fallopian tubes into the uterus, possibly causing an ectopic pregnancy. If somehow the embryo reaches the uterine cavity, implantation in a hostile environment can present another set of challenges, increasing the rates of spontaneous abortion and possibly preterm labor (recent studies have refuted this previously found correlation). A 2010 article in Fertility and Sterility indicated that chronic endometritis was identified in 30.3% of IVF patients with recurrent implantation failure . Compared with those patients that did not have endometritis, positive endometritis patients had a significantly lower implantation rate.

Endometritis usually resolves quickly in 80-90% of patients when treated. I have been treated with oral levaquin, an antibiotic. I will say that while I've not had any stomach upset with this drug, I have experienced joint pain, particularly in my shoulder/rotator cuff, as well as in my ankles where my achille's tendons are. I was also advised not to take this medication at the same time I take multi-vitamins, as Iron can interfere with its function.

If you have any questions or experience with endometritis I'd like to collect that here, so that others can easily find information about the condition (I had quite a bit of difficulty when searching for references, and message board postings seemed to confuse endometritis with endometriosis, a completely different condition). If you would like copies of the medical journal articles that I came accross, email me and I'd be happy to share those with you.

Anniversary

2011-09-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

It came and went without me really noticing-on September 1 of last year, I went to my first infertility appointment. 4 IUIs/rounds of clomid, 2 HSGs, 1 acupuncture regimen, 2 REs, 1 bout of endometritis, 2 IVFs, and 1 endometrial biopsy later...and I'm still not pregnant.

Hard to type. Harder to come to terms with.

I never thought I'd be here, empty handed after going through this stuff for as long as I have. I never really thought that I'd have to pursue this, honestly, past an IUI or two. I thought honestly, that "taking this seriously" by involving an RE would never get to the point of an IVF, and if the first (or heaven forbid second) IUI didn't work, then a reason would quickly emerge, an easy diagnosis that could be easily treated, and then solve the temporary problem so that I could magically become pregnant on a third try. I also thought that if I would adhere to everything suggested to improve my chances of conceiving, I would be rewarded for my compliance by getting the prize of a baby. I followed instructions meticulously, I took my temperature and charted, went to acupuncture appointments, took herbs and made fertility shakes with nanogreens and a magic protein potion provided by my acupuncturist. I took my medications at the same time every evening, I kept every appointment, every blood draw.

One year later, and nothing.

The most difficult things along this unfair, painful, and draining journey have been not the treatments, but the peripheral events. My emotions running amok-either from the giga-watts of hormones coursing through my veins, or the anxiety, depression, and worry that comes from not being in control of my ability to reproduce and not achieving what I worked so hard for. The financial considerations of out of network providers, co-pays, denials, medications, procedure costs, etc. that we all have faced. Losing trust in or being frustrated by care providers, and being uncertain if my impressions were accurate, or just another outlet for my anxieties around failed outcomes. Isolating myself from friends, because I just couldn't tell them about another failed attempt, or I couldn't be the friend that they knew because of the state of mind I was in and the worry and sadness that had become the ongoing loop of chatter in the background, constantly with me, never turning off.

I've never failed at anything in my life, especially something that I put everything I had towards overcoming.

Lately I've started to feel in some ways "left behind". More and more friends, neighbors, customers, and even fellow bloggers have become pregnant. And I've always been happy for them-and still am.But I'm still here, in infertility purgatory. Initially I was able to separate the happiness for their achievements and success from mine; now I have become "that girl", the one who comes emotionally unglued in my head when I hear of another pregnancy that isn't mine. The ones closest to me have shaken me, slightly at first, and then more significantly lately, especially with the 1-2 punch announcements from a few weeks ago. I've been telling myself lately that it isn't fair, but the truth is, life isn't fair. The best friend who announced her pregnancy last week asked how my attempts at pregnancy were going, and then told me that "she believes that everything happens for a reason." Thanks friend, for trying to make me feel better with a comment that while insightful, just ripped my heart out.

I'd very much like to know the reason for what is happening to me-that I can't get pregnant.

So one year out, I'm still here. I take it day by day, knowing some days will be better than others. I live my life, and try to push pause on the internal voice loop running about infertility in the back of my mind as much as I can. I drown it out with work, with walking my dogs, with exercising, with reading. I'm trying to reconnect with friends that I've avoided for months; it's kind of amazing the support I can get from people that I just distanced myself from over the past several months, and I remind myself of that when I tend to start migrating back into my cocoon of solitude. But I'm now running on fumes so to speak, and sometimes I don't know if I really, really want a baby, or if I just really, really have to keep my commitment that I made to myself a year ago, to do everything I can so that I now I tried my hardest to have a baby, so that I could be at peace with myself even if it doesn't happen.

Petty

2011-08-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

Hi-I'm not going to be very eloquent in writing this but I need to say it. I'm in my company's headquarters in Chicago for work this week. Today, I've gotten two emails from two friends-one that's a neighbor, another one of my best friends that I haven't heard from lately, and wrote it off to being busy.

Both of them are pregnant. I'm hyperventilating and trying not to cry. I don't want to be this bothered or upset-I am happy for them. But two in one day-people who are close? This stuff used to not bother me, but this is a little much.

Sigh. Effing Infertility.

ICLW wrap up

2011-08-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of the visitors and comments this week! ICLW is a great opportunity to get familiar with other people facing (or who have faced) Infertility, Loss, Adoption, and beyond. This week you caught me between IVF cycles, dealing with a positive endometrial biopsy, more concerns about getting a second opinion, and worrying myself over finding a lost dog's owners (happy ending ensued). As we wrap up this week's ICLW, I find myself needing to find the inner momentum to find a place for that third opinion, and one that takes my insurance at that; I hesitate to go to another provider, but I think for the benefit of my doubts, and Rob's, I need to at least hear what another RE has to say. I also need to look at getting back to acupuncture in my now extended down-time (probably won't stim until end of October now). Stamina, drive, wherewithal....I don't know what you call it. But I struggle sometimes with finding the will to go forward, do the best thing, or change paths on this crazy infertility journey. I try to motivate myself through the reminder that this is what I have to do if I want to realize my goal. So hold me to it-scheduling that 3rd opinion, and getting back into acupuncture!

At the beginning of the ICLW week, I asked you some questions-now here are my answers:

1) What are your five favorite things about weekends in the summer? Long walks with the dogs and Rob in the morning, driving down the 101 and watching the surfers, hanging out on my back patio reading magazines, watching hummingbirds, and the beautiful sunsets.

2) How has your workplace been as far as giving you time off, etc. for infertility treatments? My schedule is fairly flexible, which is a benefit. My manager, to his credit, has become much more comfortable with the IVF discussions, and much more concerned/caring with respect to them not working. One thing that kind of tugs at my heart with this stuff is how people are rooting for me, even if they don't constantly ask how things are going. It's also hard seeing people concerned for me because they know how hard I'm taking this.

3) How many "opinions" have you sought during your infertility treatments (REs)? I have been two two practices in a year. The first one had so many signs going on in terms of what was wrong, and I tended to ignore or overlook the initial ones, as I honestly thought I wouldn't have to go through much in the way of treatments (HA). They also didn't take my insurance in network, so when it came IVF time, I changed to a practice that did. There have been things at this new practice that have been happening with my egg retrievals, patient/family fights in the waiting room, embryo transfers, etc. that are making me have doubts. So I owe it to myself to get another perspective and detach myself from the trouble of going to a new practice and focus more on doing everything I can to have a baby.

4) Did you watch the royal wedding? And what did you think about the dress? I did not watch it, and while I do think the dress is lovely, I found it a little subdued.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Buddy

2011-08-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I posted about a dog that I found in the road. I was beside myself with what to do with him, and whether to take him to the humane society or try to find his owner.

Today the Humane Society called me-Buddy's owner claimed him on Monday.

I just love happy endings-don't you?

Biopsy Update

2011-08-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

This AM I realized that I had not heard from my RE about my endometrial biopsy or thyroid labs done a week ago Monday, so I called. Guess what-it was positive. Now my RE had told me that if it was positive it could be a result of vaginal flora, but it also looks like it could also be from instrumentation (ER, ET, IUI) or an STD (I was tested for gonorrhea, chlamydia at my last pap as a precaution-not that I'd been having a lot of fun but because I knew I was gearing up for baby making); bacterial vaginosis and a few other culprits.All were negative. I've taken doxyclyline (1 tab) as instructed after all my procedures. So who knows where this came from.

So now I have to take 3 weeks of Levaquin, be re-biopsied, and start my next cycle after that. So I'm probably pushed out to November now. The good news is that they've found something that could have caused my embryos not to implant, and it's treatable.

The bad news? Rob is livid. I called and told him about this, including that it's treatable, and he basically had a meltdown. Mainly because he's annoyed that this hasn't been tested for before, and then only when I requested it. He's also annoyed that I had to call them to get the results; it's one thing to sit on biopsy results if they are unremarkable, but I know (and he knows) that the lab most likely called with a positive result, but no one called me until I called them. I was already struggling with trust issues with my RE, but now he is super, super annoyed. I don't think this positive biopsy for endometritis is all that common, so I may understand why they hadn't tested before now; but for someone that has failed 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs, perhaps they should have thought about this sooner? My small doubts are now medium sized, and Rob's doubts are off the charts. He asked a question I could not answer-what if we don't get any eggs or they arrest the next time, and the ones they retrieved and fertilized were our last best shot (we do have one frozen, and I'm hopeful that I'll respond well again). But I do get his point.

I spent about twenty minutes talking him down, but the thing with him is once his switch is flipped, he's done. I honestly don't know if he'll agree to go back to my current RE. Sigh.

Oh-my thyroid was completely normal.

Just an update: at 2:55PM, my nurse calls. She is looking through notes, saying she is returning my call from earlier, can see that I spoke with Dr. R, etc. I tell her that yes I spoke with the Dr. but I want to ask her what my endometrial biopsy was positive for (ie, which bacteria was it) she says "for endometritis". Grrrrr. She then says "well I'm glad we tested for it." Um, be glad I asked you to test for it. I was just getting to go pick up my prescription, turns out they haven't called it in yet-she's going to call it in now, AKA 6 hours after the Dr. said they would call it in now. Nice. I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY getting fed up. I do need a second opinion, and find myself once again in that super annoying position where I am the one that cares the most about my infertility treatment. Is this stuff ever, EVER easy?

Mojo

2011-08-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

"I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but I like hot butter on my breakfast toast."-Sugar Hill Gang, 1979.

Don't get me wrong-there are 10,000 things I do not do well. But in a time when I'm constantly reminded that my ability to reproduce in either a natural way or a scientific way SUCKS, it's nice to know that I can still do something well.

I had a meeting yesterday with one of my clients-my problem client. I have been worrying about it for about a week-basically because I never know how things are going to go with them-I could get agreement on a plan during one meeting, only to have them disappear for a while, then call me screaming three weeks later. Adding to the stress factor, my manager went with me. Honestly he was fine and let me run most of the meeting, but who doesn't get nerve-wracked to some extent when your boss is along for the ride? I tossed and turned in my hotel bed most of Sunday night-Monday morning. I didn't spend much time preparing aside of the agenda and a brief set of slides to review. I went into the meeting with a real sense of uncertainty for how things would go-and honestly: I didn't care. That's another negative thing about this IF stuff; things that used to mean a lot to me, don't anymore.

However, unlike my ovaries, my eggs, or my uterus, or a combination thereof, my work Mojo is something that never, ever lets me down. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that my management of problem client meeting was a knock out of the ballpark, so to speak. I was direct, candid, humble. I presented myself in a clear and confident way. I didn't do my usual talk too much when nervous, or smatter my discussion with "ums" and "likes" and "awesomes" like I can sometimes do when not prepared. I came out of the meeting with an agreement, and an extension on their renewal date that will hopefully take their renewal deadline out until December. My manager told me that I did a fantastic job. And the best part was, I didn't need to hear it from him-I knew that I had handled that meeting well and did a fantastic job of managing the outcome. And even thought I say I don't care, it still feels good when you do something well.

So if you've made it through all of that bragging/bravado, here's the point of the above summary: why can't my fertility Mojo be more like my work Mojo? Wouldn't it be nice to just say (and honestly, this is about what I said to myself a year ago) "I think I'd like to get pregnant soon. Now Body, let's recap where we've been so far: I know that you've been half-heartedly trying the old fashioned way, but lets get serious. I know you aren't the typical female getting pregnant-but I'm committed to the challenge of getting a 42 year old woman knocked up! Let's be collaborative here and think outside of the box. Here's a time line and activities for us to accomplish some fundamental goals: See a specialist, take some medication, and get pregnant. Can you agree to that action plan?"

After that succinct and direct presentation, how could my body possibly say no?

If only it were that simple. In this infertility game, sometimes I feel like my own Problem Client. The best intentions can lead nowhere. You never know what is going to happen, despite agreeing to adhering to the best plan of action. Trying to control for expected and unexpected risks can become a full-time job within a full time job. And there may just be certain factors in play external to your best efforts to get pregnant that cannot and will not support success as an option. I would gladly trade some of my work mojo for fertility mojo. Or perhaps that's just it-maybe I did.

ICLW-August

2011-08-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

Hellow ICLW, and welcome to Team Baby. I'm Kelly, I'm 42 and have been trying to get pregnant via infertility treatments for a year. Four failed IUIs and two failed IVFs later, I'm down to my last two IVFs that insurance will cover.

My last IVF cycle went much smoother than the first; ten eggs retrieved, eight mature, six fertilized; four made it to day 5. Transferred 3, froze 1, and still came back with a BFN. Lately, everything I've been through has caught up with me; I've been struggling a bit to come to terms with what has happened, and the two remaining IVFs that I have available to me if I can find the intestinal fortitude to continue.

I always ask my ICLW readers a few questions so that I can get to know them as they stop by, then I answer the questions at the end of the week:

1) What are your five favorite things about weekends in the summer?

2) How has your workplace been as far as giving you time off, etc. for infertility treatments?

3) How many "opinions" have you sought during your infertility treatments (REs)?

4) Did you watch the royal wedding? And what did you think about the dress?

Thank you for stopping by, and feel free to follow (if you already do not). I'd love to take a look at your blog too, so please leave a comment!

Lost

2011-08-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

This is a non-infertility post, but I've had a stressful day so far. This morning I was going to the gym, driving down the main road hill. I came to the first stop light, and in the middle of the road was a dog, confused and not sure which was to go. I was 5 or 6 cars back, but I could see him, meaning everyone in front of me could see him too. The light turned green, and no one in front of me stopped to help. In fact, several people drove by and honked their horn, scaring him into the opposite direction lanes, and others actually slowed down to yell at him to get out of the way.

Please tell me, what is wrong with people?

I pulled over and coaxed the dog to my car, opened the door, and he hopped in. He had a collar, but no tags. I hung out in the same area that I found him for about 30 minutes to see if anyone would actually come by looking. It was around a college and condos and apartments, and a few blocks down are some neighborhoods. No one did. So I called animal control/humane society to see if anyone had called looking for him. Went through some maze of automated voicemail for about 20 minutes, only to be told to take him to the shelter some 2-3 cities over.

I came home and put him in the backyard, took some pictures, and fed him. My dogs proceeded to go batsh*t crazy with another, bigger dog in their backyard. I made some posters with the lost dog's picture. On the way to go plaster the area I found the dog in with posters, Rob came home. I told him I wanted to put up the posters and if not, take the Dog to a shelter with the option to adopt. so that they don't just euthanize him. Now mind you, I do not want another dog, for sure. But I'd rather place him with a foster organization than let the shelter euthanize him, but I feel like the first place his owners will most likely look or call would be the shelter.

While I was putting up posters, Rob called the shelter to come and pick him up. I know this is the "right" thing to do, but I cannot tell you how upset I am. I wish that the owner would see the signs and call me before the shelter gets here. Keeping the dog here would be very difficult-he's a small Labrador/Shepherd mix and is too big for my dogs to play with, and adopting him isn't in the cards. Besides, he belongs to someone.

Please say some prayers that my house guest's family call me soon. I'm sure I'm dramastacizing this situation, but this is just heartbreaking to deal with.

P.S. Please put a name tag on your dog's collar (if you have one).

Depth Perception

2011-08-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

I'm in a strange place right now. What I've been through, and where I'm going with IVF seems equally distant. On Monday I had my endometrial biopsy-hurt like hell for a minute, and then was fine. Then I went back to the real world, with a quick detour to a therapy appointment. I don't know if therapy is helping me or hurting me. I totally get the concept of things will get worse before it gets better. I'm also totally down with doing the work now so that I have somewhere to go and sort things out when I'm in the thick of things with stimming or retrieval or transfers. At the first appointment, we talked about how infertility is another chapter in my life, and it might be a sad one. That freaked with me because I started thinking about how I've had quite a few of those, and to think of adding one more was just a total downer.

Following that appointment, the therapist asked me to complete a questionnaire for the next time I came in, a life inventory. It had a lot of the questions you would expect: why are you seeking treatment, have you ever been in therapy before, are you feeling down, etc. Then it asked about life history and childhood and family. I've already covered these topics and the anxiety that they cause me in prior posts, but let's just recap by saying it wasn't the best times, and my family, like many others has a lot of crazy in it-literally and figuratively. But ninety percent of the time I'm able to keep this stuff separate and distinct from my current state of mind. With the infertility and the failed cycles, that has become more difficult. An "a ha!" post a few weeks ago led me to the realization that part of my wanting a family and a baby so much was related to having an opportunity to experience a normal childhood (as a parent). The topics asked on the questionnaire not only brought up all of those feelings of sadness, embarrassment, and fear that I try to avoid, but reminded me that I may not get a chance to experience a balanced childhood, if only through being a parent.
That questionnaire weighed heavily on my mind as I traveled to Chicago last week, and it bothered me how my past and present unhappiness were colliding. I thought about those past sad chapters in my life (in the words of my therapist), and the prospect of going through yet another one (that I don't deserve). While visiting some friends in Chicago, they both started talking about troubles in their marriages, past life events, and generally upsetting personal stuff that they are going through. As always, I listened, and empathized. Then, from nowhere, everything that I've gone through in the last year came out. The frustration, the persistence, the financial strain, the relationship strain, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the disappointments, the pain, the sadness. I cried and cried and cried. I freaked my friends out; even though they are good friends they are also of the initial mindset of "why isn't this working" with my IVF so they were really taken aback by my breakdown.

Until now I've been able to control it: what we all go through on this journey. Then in one afternoon, it all came out: ten months of grieving for not getting pregnant despite fertility treatments. I don't know if that is healthy, and I honestly do not feel better for it. I came home, dealt with Rob's parents (at some point over the weekend I just magically was able to turn the annoyance with them off in my head; they said and did stupid stuff but I honestly just sat there with smile and nodded. Sometimes depression does serve a purpose.), and went back to work. Had another therapy appointment Tuesday. and I told my therapist about what had happened. She said that it's not uncommon for the questionnaire to bring up such feelings, and we could certainly talk about those at some point.We then talked about grieving some more; I feel like she keeps hammering home the same points: this is hard; this is unfair; you need to grieve, but not too much; focus on the present, don't imagine the future, don't dwell on the past. It reminds me kind of like when I took belly-dancing classes; you're instructed to do 27 things at once, most of which are in total contradiction of each other, and you feel like a complete buffoon. At this point, I'm not sure how much it's helping me.

A topic that we did discuss is my confidence in my care provider. I thought I felt comfortable with Dr. R., but after my WTF appointment with her to discuss next steps, she said something that was interesting. I was hammering her about my treatment, about the drugs, about testing; she said to me that the lab and the techniques (for Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer) are just as important as the treatment. It gave me pause. I think their lab is great, they have the highest success rates in San Diego. But I started thinking more about technique. My Egg Retrieval this time was done by her partner, who retrieved ten eggs; Dr. R retrieved my one poor egg the first time around, and told me she had to get her partner's help to get that one. Then I started thinking about my Embryo Transfer, which was done by Dr. R. Could her technique have played a part? I don't know, but I'm thinking about it. A part of me knows that there are 100 factors that play into this, but what if her technique sucks? I talked through all of this with my therapist, who wants me to get a second (actually third) opinion. Maybe it's just for a peace of mind, but a part of me says this isn't the time to be thoughtful and concerned about other's feelings. But another part of me doesn't want to go through finding another doctor, getting potentially conflicting information, having more information to be more indecisive about. And from there, dealing with the uncertainties of a new practice, new billing and insurance questions, and then inevitable questions that just arise from doing things at a different place.

I guess right now I just don't have any sense of direction, or intensity; how upset should I be about where I am? Am I upset or depressed? Is therapy working? Should I get a second opinion? It's hard when you are in a place where you don't trust your intuition, or even have an intuition left to rely upon.

The Butterfly

2011-08-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I was out on my back patio, visiting with the in-laws. My youngest dog suddenly jumped from my lap, and went to where a monarch butterfly had landed on the grass. He sniffed it, and watched it intently, mesmerized by it's wings and sudden yet slight movements.

The butterfly didn't fly away. It stayed on the grass, gently fanning its wings. I don't know if a bird had tried to eat it, or it had just come out of it's cocoon-but it was in no hurry to leave and didn't seem to have the ability to fly away. I didn't want to just leave it on the grass, so I gently put a branch underneath it, allowed it to crawl up on it, and placed it on one of my bushes. I hoped that it could recover and fly away by morning.

I thought about how something so beautiful should be in this world forever; who doesn't need to see a beautiful butterfly fluttering by in the wind? I so wanted it to just be a temporary problem and expected it to fly away at night, only to be spotted by others tomorrow and going forward as a gentle reminder of beauty and life and summer. But it cannot fly. It's still on my bush, wings occasionally fluttering.

Some things come into our lives for a very short period of time, much shorter than they are meant to be here. I don't know what made my mind go from that struggling butterfly, to my three embryos that didn't make it. I felt like God had sent that butterfly to my backyard to remind me that beautiful, imperfect things can and do exist, and if only for a moment brighten our hearts. For a brief point in time, they are perfect; that butterfly's markings were precise, the orange such a brilliant, unique color to nature; it looked like a painting. But life is fragile, and not always fair. Because life does not always become what it was intended to be doesn't lessen the life, or discount it's existence; it only makes them more treasured.

Some actual IF news

2011-08-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Interrupting my bitching for a moment to actually post about something IVF related. Had my meeting with Dr. R today for a kind of regroup. She doesn't think she'd really change anything. She thinks I had a beautiful response, that my fertilization rate was good. We did discuss day 3 versus 5 instead possibly. She does however want to do an endometrial biopsy and a repeat Saline Histogram to make sure there's nothing implantation going on. So that's monday. Anyone had one? Any luck getting pregnant afterwords (she actually said that some think that it's helpful for triggering a response that can help implantation)? I'm also getting my thyroid levels re-checked. Other than that, she's going to present my case again to the others in the practice and see if they have anything else to offer.

I don't know whether to feel better or worse knowing that there's really not much to change.

I also have gotten a new RE nurse, as mine had her baby and is out for a while. She also mentioned getting me back into acupuncture, more for stress than anything.

The Visit, Part 1

2011-08-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

Hi-long time no post. Just getting home from Chicago; exhausted. Posting quickly because even though I'm in my home office, door closed, and its 6:02am in the morning, people (and by people, I mean family) are walking in and out like it's Grand Central Station.

Yes, they are here.

First, I'll just say that it's not as bad as I make it to be. The reality will match my assessment probably around Sunday at the rate things are going. Here are the top items that have annoyed me thus far-no particular order:

1) We have one landline phone-my office line. They apparently have been answering my phone for the last two days. And taking messages. This includes client calls, home office calls, and Dr. Appt calls. Not that that isn't bad enough, they aren't collecting the messages in one place-they are on stickies at various locations around the house. Here is how that conversation went: "You're phone has been ringing off the hook." Me: "it's my home office line." "Well we've been answering it." Me: "Not really necessary, but thank you. I prefer if you just let it go to voicemail, that way I can check messages from anywhere." Them: "Well how were we to know?" Notice lack of apology anywhere. Them: "A Dr. Smith called. Said you had an appointment at 11:00am today." Long silence. Me: "Yes, ok thank you". Them: "Said you would know what it was about." Me: "Yes thank you." Smile on the outside, scream on the inside.

2) Been asked when I've been getting married 3 times since 4 PM yesterday.

3) Now they are stage whispering in family room. Wish they would just go back to the normal screaming conversation level, it's less distracting.

4) Had to listen to end of world conspiracy theories during the entire course of dinner. The signs are all there. This is how it started for the Roman Empire you know.

5) Step-mother is on a diet. But we can't say it's a diet-we have to call it an eating plan.

6) Bitching about how the laptop (circa 2002, known to be busted, why is it in the guest room in the first place?) doesn't work and they don't have internet access. They want to check email RIGHT NOW because Delta ripped one of their bags and is supposedly sending them a travel voucher.

7) Just got asked at 6:11am when we are getting married (despite having answered or ignored this 3 times yesterday). We should probably be legit prior to the end of the world, which will start early if Obama is re-elected.

8) The OCD clean freak approach does apparently have a few exceptions. First being you leave several editions of newspapers from each day laying around various areas of the house. Second: I have six pairs of shoes (not mine or Rob's) in my family room area. I guess the notion of picking up your shit is more being tidy, not clean.

9) Yesterday, while clearing the plates from dinner, I tell his step mother to go relax (i.e get out from under me while I'm trying to do stuff in the kitchen), that she's the guest and doesn't have to do this. The response I get back: "We're not guests. We're your family." I just stopped and let her finish cleaning, like I would if it were my mother. Except my mother is a slob of the first order.

Hanging in There

2011-08-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your comments, as always on my last post. At some point today, when I'm not polishing my staircase banister, or dusting the baseboards, I need to pack for my escape to Chicago. Yesterday, my check engine light came on in my 6 month old new car, so sometime before going to the airport I have to take it in to the dealership. Work is super busy, my problem client has given me one more chance to turn things around, and of course, the in-laws will be here on Tuesday. I've just got to get through all of this day by day. On top of the day by Day IF stuff I'm already dealing with. Somehow, I'll do it.

My first therapy session was OK. I won't say great because I'm not exactly sure what I've gained from it. I do like my therapist, she's kind of soft spoken and I have to be careful not to dominate the conversation. My therapist, Dr. K has herself gone through infertility, and specializes in treating women undergoing infertility, and obviously knows the lingo and the processes. When I was rattling off my labs and such and telling her my FSH, she told me that hers was much, much worse than mine when she was undergoing IVF at around my age. There was talk around what is the hardest for me to deal with (doing everything I could to make this go well, and it going nowhere; having a really crappy cycle and having a really great cycle, and getting nothing from it), and how infertility and IVF can be really unique in that you are grieving an unsuccessful cycle usually while moving into the next, which doesn't really allow you to make progress in the "grieving". We talked about Rob's parents visit and she was really, really thinking it was a bad idea, bad timing etc (who doesn't?). The thing that stuck with me, and I'm not sure if I like this or not, is she said that infertility is a chapter of our life, and as it's being written (bear with me through the psychological allegory here), it can be a very sad chapter. I didn't think anything of this for a few days, and then yesterday it occurred to me that it's upsetting, because it's another sad chapter in my life, at least so far.

I believe in the Buddhist philosophy that life is mainly suffering (in some sense) with happiness scattered through it. And I think it made me sadder, in a way, that this is one more sad thing (at least so far), at a time when I tried to make sure I was ready to be a good parent, and was stable, and was ready for a happy part. Now I know that the degree of unhappiness I'm experiencing isn't as bad as it obviously could be, and try to focus on that; there are many, many worse things that could be happening to me and are not; I simply cannot get pregnant. But that's a big one. And something that will stay with you for life, even if some day I do get pregnant. Because I don't think IF ever really leaves you. It's always a part of your book.

The one immediate take away that I did get from Dr. K, newest member of B-Unit, is to control the things I can. Don't stress out about work, and not being able to overachieve for a while. Eat really well and healthy. Exercise. Get sleep. Don't isolate myself. Simple, but powerful advice. She doesn't think I'm depressed, but wants to make sure, so I'm going to go once a week for a while. While I'm on the fence about therapy, I feel the need to stick with it in the short term because there are times that I really really wished I had someone to guide me through all of these feelings in my last few cycles, and didn't.

So I'm taking her advice, eating healthy, working out hard (Pilates has really been sucking, but I'm trying to stick with it), I'm working but not fixating on negative stuff, and hardest of all, trying not to isolate. I have friends that keep calling me that I've been avoiding, mainly because of my role in our friendship as the supporter, the listener; it's hard sometimes for friends to realize that I need support and listening too, and sometimes people don't or can't listen to what you go through with IVF. We went out to lunch yesterday at a nice outside cafe; I actually changed out of my workout gear, put on make-up, and wore wedges instead of flip flops or running shoes. It's amazing what putting on contacts and wearing makeup can do for you. We also took a cooking class with some neighbors, which was more of a watch someone cook class but fun nonetheless. I actually think it's good that I'll be out with clients next week too, away from the internal work ridiculousness but with people. I often think that working from home isn't the best scenario for me, because I'm extroverted and need that stimulation. Sitting at home or in a hotel room fretting about this IVF stuff cannot be good. But it's hard to recognize that you are doing it while you are in the thick of it, you know?

OK, back to more slave labor around the house. Hope you are all doing good!

Just get me to August 16th

2011-08-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still plodding along. I think I've progressed to getting by hour to hour, as things get better the further the negative beta is in my rear-view mirror. I've basically been just trying to get to tomorrow, when I can see the therapist (I hope she's well rested, as she will definitely have her work cut out for her as you'll see why below). From there, I'm aiming for Monday, when I can go out of town on a business trip and partially avoid Rob's parents, who will be here much to my chagrin for their annual vacation. When I get home, I've got 4 days to hold it together until they leave. God help me.

Work right now is exceptionally bad. I'm demotivated for the personal reasons that we are all well aware of, on top of a general feeling of burnout that has been building for some time independent of the IF or IVF stuff. I have one client I'm working with that is particularly unhappy with our product, and nothing I say or do makes it better. I'm getting yelled at a lot by them, being treated with an attitude that borders on disdain, and I seriously have been starting to have panic attacks every time I have to speak with them, or send them something. Another failure, and I don't know how to turn it around. I can't help but blame myself, even though my main point of contact transferred at a critical time and now I'm dealing with someone completely new to the project who has very little time for it in the first place. A year ago I would have been burning the midnight oil to make this work. Now, the fight, motivation, and perseverance reserves that usually fuel me through times like these are gone, and I honestly feel like any effort I extend towards this isn't worth it, or is a waste since I only seem to be capable of inciting this client.

The Home/Relationship front isn't much better. Rob's Dad and step-mom arrive next week, at a time that couldn't be worse for me to be around them. Let me just say that we have not told them that we are going through IF, or IVF, for two reasons. First, they hate that we are not married and living together; having a child conceived out of wedlock would be the worst thing that could happen in their mind. Second, because of their religious beliefs, they do not think IVF should be used. I could literally write an entire post about the anxiety their visits cause me, but let me just summarize the highlights: they bitch a lot about things that do not matter. They come into the house and take it over, and I feel like a stranger in my own home. They are OCD clean freaks, buying their own favorite brand of paper towels and cleaning products on the way here from the airport so that they have them handy during their stay, since we don't keep the house as clean as they like (which would be sterile). My life goes into complete chaos preparing for their visit; I will be spending my entire weekend doing things like dusting medicine cabinet shelves and cleaning chandeliers because of their cleanliness expectations. Every time they visit, the anxiety and arguments and snide comments all week make me seriously ask myself if this relationship is worth it, because I can't take another 30 years of this-even if it is in one week doses.

It's frustrating because no matter how hard I try to make their visit comfortable, they will still find a way to identify something unacceptable and complain about it in a frequent and off-putting manner. I try not to immediately go into panic attack mode over it, and be an adult; you know, the bigger person. I'm only capable of eating the sh*t sandwich for a maximum of 3-4 days under the best of circumstances. I then spend the rest of the week either in my bedroom or in my home office, door shut. Even then, they will knock on my door to tell me that they emptied the recycling bin because it was full, and could I go to the store and get them some soy milk, because they don't do dairy (and didn't I get the list of food they needed that they emailed me before arriving?). I wish I was joking.

Rob tells me just to ignore it, and I honestly try, because I don't want to put him in the middle. However, I'm not used to being treated the way they treat me, and him, and I'm between a rock and a hard place because Rob doesn't want me to say anything to them and he doesn't say anything to them either. This all comes at a time that I'm still crying 4-5 times a day, unpredictably, over any little thing, which most likely is the big thing that is the failed IVF from last week.

Can't I just be sad for a while, without entertaining visitors, without work falling apart? The answer, at least for now, is no. I've got to find the way to pull it together; it doesn't have to be great, but just good enough not to send me officially over the edge, wreck any family relationships, or get me fired. I'm just bummed because the only time I get a respite from my sadness, apathy, and anxiety are working out (which I didn't do today because of KILLER cramps) and walking my dogs.

I will get through this. It will get better.

Getting By

2011-07-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your support and prayers-I really needed them, and it's helping me get through this. It's getting better but the emotions can sneak up on me, as I'm sure will be the case for a while. Friday night I had a glass of red wine, was tipsy after 3 sips so I guess I'm officially a lightweight now. My bum is still itching from my progesterone reaction, but I find that gold bond cream actually does wonders for that. Saturday I went back to pilates for the first time since the transfer, it felt good. Had about 3/4 of a very very mild margarita on Saturday. I don't know, as much as I miss my occasional cocktail I feel like drinking just isn't for me right now because I think it won't make me relax, it will just make me more emotional.

We went to our local shopping area to get some Cedar Planks to make Grilled Salmon (highly recommend cedar planks for grilling by the way), and I ended up going in the White House/Black Market and got many, many cute things for work. I usually wouldn't post a link but I can't tell you how many adorable things they have right now, and if you get their catalogues you can get discount codes/coupons, etc. I did some creative combo-ing with coupons and ended up getting 35% off. This of course was a result of my inner voice guiding me towards dysfunctional coping mechanisms of shopping to get my mind off of the stress, but also the after effect of going to a work event last week where literally nothing I had fit. I don't understand how this happened in the 4 weeks I was off the road and working at home during my stims, but I couldn't get into any pants, skirts, or dresses. I don't really change sizes in tops, weather I'm 130 or 165lbs, but I gain my weight in my belly and butt. So I was able to find some cute tops, a pair of some great work shoes, and a larger size pair of pants and a skirt to get me through for a while. Even if/when I lose some of this weight I think I'll be able to get them altered, but I'm not going to hold my breath too much on that in the short term thinking this weight is going to fall off of me. Meanwhile, I have to look professional when I do go out to see clients, fat or not.

I scheduled an appointment with a Psychologist that specializes in infertility for Thursday. I just think this is long overdue, as several times during IVF I've wished that I had started going to therapy before starting all of this to help deal with all of the things you deal with during IVF. I definitely need to talk through things and make sure I'm doing things that are right for me, and look for ways to stay as positive and realistic as possible through this. I also think that I need someone's help to prepare me for life should this never work. I briefly spoke with the therapist to schedule the first appointment, and I'm looking forward to going and getting some help sorting this all out. I've been treated for depression in the past, when I broke up with my Ex and when my grandparents passed away, and therapy really has helped me more than medication, so I hope it can help me this time around too.

I still haven't started my period, or feel like it's going to start. I woke up last night at 1:45AM, and went back to sleep around 4, waking up again at 5. My mind was just wide awake, and even though I wasn't upset, I was thinking about the failed IVF. While I expected this to happen, insomnia can trigger depression for me, or certainly expedite it if it's already started. I'm not going to take my Restoril for kids prescription sleep aid unless this goes on for 2 more nights.

So that's it for me, I'm hanging in there and taking things maybe minute by minute or hour by hour right now. I do think I want to do at least one other cycle, but I'm trying not to think about that too much right now.

Do stop over at Buck up Buttercup and congratulate her on her positive beta! We're in very similar boats with IF and she's got a fantastic beta report after her FET. She gives me hope, and I'm very happy for her!

It didn't work.

2011-07-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

So I just did another HPT, just because I felt myself getting upset again after getting my blood drawn for my beta this AM. I came out of my Dr.'s office just feeling like I wasn't going to get good news today, and I've tried to push it back out of my mind. Came home, tried to work. Couldn't focus, so I peed on my last HPT like I said I wasn't going to just to get the inevitable out of the way.

Starkly, undeniably negative.

It seems really, really unfair.I'm not perfect and obviously have many flaws, but I just don't get this and why it's not happening for me. Going through all of the shit I've been through in the last months, forcing myself to do so many things I was scared to do, to hope for something that the law of probabilities is showing me might not be possible. I'm dreading having to go through telling Rob, my friends, you guys, my boss AGAIN that it didn't work. People tend to think if you do this, it will work, and are so surprised when it doesn't. Me, I need to get right with the fact that this may not ever work. Maybe I need to seriously consider that, and actually allow myself to say it. "It may not ever work".

I'm so jaded, so exhausted, so resentful that I have to pick myself up, find some fragment of determination and go through this all again. I haven't slept well in weeks, I'm isolated myself from all but a few close friends, and I've gained even more weight again this cycle. I'm not sure I'm even me anymore, if that makes any sense. I'll have to spend yet another bonus on yet another cycle. I really don't know where to go from here, except to start the familiar process of just getting by second by second, hoping that that can become minute by minute, and so on. And time is not on my side. I'll be 43 in just over a month. I thought waiting until my life was in order to start a family was the right thing to do. I so didn't want to expose my child to the chaos and uncertainty and immaturity that I was. Here is what I get for being careful, considerate, and mature.

I'm rambling and not making a lot of sense, but I wanted to just go ahead and get this post over with so I can get it over with and start over again. Thank you for all of your thoughts and well wishes and support and prayers.

At least I don't have to take those fucking progesterone shots for a while.

Updating to just confirm I'm not pregnant. My nurse just called me. If possible, I'm even more upset than I was, not so much because of the news, but because of how she handled things; she just seemed to want to get the call over with; which while I don't necessarily blame her, but this has to be a routine part of the job, right? She just said "I'm sorry, it's negative" and then told me to discontinue my meds. Thats it. I had to ask her "what's next?". Seriously, how I am I supposed to keep up hope if I can't get some general support and guidance on what is next? This is bad timing, but this is literally the 50th time I've had to ask her what's my dose, when should I call about XYZ, what was my e2 result, etc. Then she tells me "well if you want to come in to talk to the Dr. we can make you an appointment"...I'm not even going to be able to see my Dr. until August 12, which I know isn't far away but right now it seems like an eternity. I And I'm sure I'm going to hell for saying this but my JERK in-laws will be in town then and I seriously don't know how I'm going to cope with this and their exceptionally annoying behavior.

Friday Good Deed

2011-07-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

The friday good deed is a chance to do something good for other people, and hopefully feel good ourselves in doing the gesture.

"I found out that millions of people don't live to see their 5th birthday," wrote Rachel Beckwith. "And why? Because they didn't have access to clean, safe water so I'm celebrating my birthday like never before. I'm asking from everyone I know to donate to my campaign instead of gifts for my birthday. Every penny of the money raised will go directly to fund freshwater projects in developing nations."

This nine year old little girl asked friends and family to donate towards this charitable cause in lieu of presents, a big gesture of compassion and goodwill for such a little girl. Tragically, Rachel died in a car accident last week, and in honor of her memory, her Church reactivated her web page requesting this wish. There has also been a web page setup for donations for Rachel's medical expenses as well.

God Bless you Rachel, and comfort you family during this terrible time.

ICLW wrap up

2011-07-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Another ICLW is over, thanks for all of the comments and new visitors.

Just an update on me in my last week of the 2ww. I didn't do another HPT after Monday's; I'll find out tomorrow and I just didn't want to keep freaking myself out. I don't really have much in the way of symptoms; occasional cramps, and that's about it.

I switched over to progesterone in cottonseed oil, and the first inject went fine. I still have the welts on the derriere and the rash on my face and chest, but that seems to be resolving slightly. I have to do booth duty today at a conference here in town (loathe this part of my job) and am even less enthusiastic than usual because of my face rash and also the distinct possibility that none of my work clothes will fit properly. This would be much easier to accept if I was in fact pregnant; there's just something inherently cruel about gaining weight and not being pregnant (but hopefully I am).

My insurance (according to the first person I spoke with anyhow) doesn't cover progesterone in cottonseed oil, but I will be appealing that. Seriously? How do you not cover a required medication substitute for a medication that the patient is allergic to?

For each of my ICLW posts I ask a series of questions for my readers, and answer them at the end-here's my answers from the July ICLW post. Be sure to check out the blogs recommended by commenters too on the original post, some great ones are on there!

1) If you did IVF, what were your MD recommended restrictions during the 2ww? So, the biggies: no sex, no exercise (meaning nothing other than a light walk on a flat surface that doesn't cause you to break a sweat), no chocolate (I totally violated this one after my negative HPT and melted chocolate chips, and ate them gooey. Great coping mechanisms, huh?), no hair color, no nails done (and my nails-I do that Biosculpt stuff-are now 3 weeks grown out. Lovely.). In addition, no sex (whatever that is), no lifting anything heavier than 10lbs, no caffeine (I have had decaf coffee), and a bunch of other no nos.

2) What are some of your favorite non-fertility related blogs (link please!) I like the following:

thesartorialist.com/-once upon a time, I cared about creative fashion
http://thepioneerwoman.com/-great recipes and photography
http://cupcakesandcashmere.com/-very whimsical and lots of great stuff covered
perezhilton.com- because I have to balance out my twenty years of education and 1460 SAT score with something on the level of US Weekly (which I subscribe to, btw)

3) Do you believe in astrology? If so, what is your sign and do you feel like it's a "fit" for your personality?

I'm a Virgo, and some traits I exhibit (self critical, overly analytical) and some traits I don't (tidy, shy). I did do an in depth reading once where they take your birth time, location, etc and that actually hit me to a tee.

Progesterone In Oil Reaction

2011-07-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

I think I'm having a reaction to the PIO shots. Yesterday evening I noticed that my chest was itching, nothing major, just some red bumps, which was strange because I haven't used perfume, body lotion, etc. all week. I didn't think much of it, thought it might be heat or sun related.

Last night my PIO shot was incredibly painful, despite icing the area first as always; the first inject attempt Rob actually had to pull the needle out before he gave me the injection it hurt so much. It bled a while too, also unusual.

I went to the bathroom and noticed that my injection site was hurting more than usual and thought I might have a bruise. Nope-instead I have about a 4 inch by 4 inch RED, raised, hot to the touch circle around last night's injection site. There are welts developing around it too. It's super hot, textbook allergic reaction. Interestingly, my injection site on my other hip is now turning red too. And the rash on my chest-now on my forehead too.

Sigh. My RE's office opens in 45 minutes so I'll call then. I'm hoping there's another formulation they can switch me to. It's strange to me that this happened after over a week of injects.

The fun never stops.

Update: Yep, it's a reaction. Great! They are changing over my prescription to another oil, and guess what: my insurance only covers Progesterone in oil, Sesame Seed version, which is what caused the allergic reaction most likely. How insurance companies get away with not covering substitutions if a medication causes an allergic reaction is BEYOND ME. It's even the same medication, just a different medium used for suspension.